Emeka, Nigerian Borat, cultural, commercial and
Spiritual learnings to the world for make benefit glorious nation of Nigeria..
Part 1 Cultural learnings
Borat, the movie must be a huge joke , most of all sacha baron cohen aka �ali G� the overly sexed rapping, woman loving, pot smoking, general all time idiot was at his best as Borat the envoy from Kazakhstan out to make cultural learnings for make benefit glorious nation of Kazakhsan.
Only the fellow that played Uri in the Smirnoff ice advert, who with his homeboy Gul can compare in this eastern gritty cold bizarre humour ,brrrrrrrrrrrr. Personal message from emeka.
�World people kedu o ! I salot una well .My name na Emeka and after I watch the home video Borat by one man wey dem call mr sacha, as naija man u trust say na pirate copy I buy from one chinko girl for wooleech for South East.
I come say chei ! this nna borat don get am for plenty money so I come try to find a way to tell the whole world say new nna borat dey for town na im I come meet nna Frank Adeche who come helep me write this for hin email.
I tell am say make him no forget to put my website wey be emekanaijaborat@ tokumbo.com for this email so that all my people for onitsha go no say I don arrive and dem go let me come marry nneka as money don plenty come.�
That is the word from Emeka, Nigeria�s borat and just like borat you might not understand a lot of things he says, there is a small Emeka dictionary on the website or you can email him at email@example.com. Sometimes emeka may sound like frank and Frank like emeka but as both are Nigerians it is best to consider them one and unique just as all true borats are.
I pronounce Emeka as haymaykar.
I haven�t seen the movie borat yet but I hope to download it using bittorent, I will try to before I finish this article but from what I have read in the reviews, it is a real laugh with clear and concise learnings but what Borat does for me is to remember the first time I thought of writing for my country .
In a way England, is a sort of America for me, I grew up the American way amongst an �American� Family with a near perfect southern accent complete with drawl n twang. So you might say I am an all English, all American plus a generous spattering of Nigerian to boot, quite a formidable DNA cocktail.
I was gonna write this article and title it �I weep for my country� this was a few years ago I forget where the draft is, somewhere within one of my past lovers, oops sorry laptops yeah I have run thru quite a number of them things, well that is another story. I finally realised there was jack worth weeping about except to make learnings for the world to make benefit glorious nation of Nigeria .
I am targeting the whole world with this article, it is for make benefit of all and also some age groups of the country Nigeria with this article, the ones I exempt should not take it to heart , I am good people.
I will start with the unborn kids and foetuses, seeds of existence that need the special grace of God to survive in Nigeria and I think God�s grace is quite prevalent because church to Streets ratios in the world clearly put Nigeria in the top spot because there are at least two warring churches on every major street in Nigeria, I don�t know about the ratios of mosques and I aint gonna push it .
Salman Rushdie was an idealist, I am a realist today ,
I can safely say that Kazakhstan is a holiday resort compared to some places in Nigeria. The term armed robbery might not become real to you until you visit Nigeria where these robbers have a liken for murder and highway robberies not pitying the wayfarers who have to put up with the abundant natural speedbreakers Nigerians call potholes that exist on most Nigerian motorways.
So whilst travelling you also have to be on the lookout for gunslingers , it is the real wild west in that country. There is also the militant threats from budding osama bin ladens in the North and gun toting oil rebels in the south.
This paints a gory picture but there are also some places in Abuja, Nigeria�s capital city that would make even Buckingham palace look like a shoebox and within these places live the middle corrupt rich and super corrupt rich who are turning their faces away from the �glory� that Nigeria is turning into and will typically ignore this attempt to make benefit the glorious nation of Nigeria.
It is a really weird place, what still amazes me are the strange things that happen there the ability to buy your groceries from meat cuts to shaving cream and I hear recently to cars in the flipping traffic ! which can take up to 4hours in a typical God blessed day , it is a case of Wal mart and Tesco on wheels , who needs internet delivery !
So foetuses and unborn kids the choice and conclusion is simple, beg God to not let you be born in Nigeria but don�t choose America you might end up a marine !
I am also focussing on the Six to Twelve year olds because they pretty well know and are aware by now that they wished they was born elsewhere because of the great YAWA coming upon my glorious country in a few years time.
by the age of six you should be able to juggle three jobs and when you talk about tough jobs no job beats the Nigerian childs. Go to school, Sell stuff on the highways in traffic , dodge through motorbikes or okada as they are called , perfect the art of begging for a living and sell cigarettes at night .
All that under sixteen crap does not work in Nigeria and if you are a girl by the age of twelve start grooming for geisha duty minus the memoirs because no one likes to remember .
Six to twelve year olds in China and India need not worry about anything because their economy is booming and growing and they will catch up with it minus the rickshaws and the rice paddy fields.(unborn naija kids take note)
Now comes up the Thirteen to Nineteen folks the teenagers ,aw sorry guys because most of you are already in the Nigerian Culture of National cake eating and gangbanging which are called Secret cults , you must have earned your toothache holes from eating the sumptuous portions dealt out via the scratch my back and I will scratch your back policies ,and the kickback kickfront and all other kicks that even Jackie Chan will give an arm to know how to master.
One of our former military presidents or dictators or whatever because it is a rule in Nigeria that once you have been a head of State,it is your born right to gun for democratic president . This same fellow was known to have been nicknamed Maradona because of his specialty in all kinds of kicks at the Aso Rock (Nigeria�s white House) football field .
The ideas of globalization and reparation were created by a few individuals in a southern university in Nigeria .
That the best way to repay the world for not selling their great grandfathers into slavery so that they would be born in America or anywhere but Nigeria.
They created the mugu syndrome also popularly known as 419,advanced fee fraud and the fabled Nigerian Scam.
Years ago, Emeka, once had the glorious pleasure of trying out the scam business and after some really tough times typing up a storm and writing letters, about a thousand letters a day, sealing them in envelopes ,addressing them and sending them by post abroad.
This was the days when email was not prevalent in Nigeria back in the early 90s, when this was unsuccessful he thought better and shifted back to high seas trading importing containers from china etc for sale in Nigeria at a tidy profit. Then and now imports and only oil exports were the mainstay of the Nigerian economy .
He figured the successful scammers were into drugs or where doing some real crazy stuff by cutting off their mothers heads or having relationships with insane women in dark graveyards or some other sort of devilry and were just using the scams as a front.
These days all you had to do was send a lot of email and in a few weeks to months money comes , that was alice in wonderland stuff .Well much later he had the opportunity to observe a scam from origin to success and at the end of it told this fellow a well known nineteen guy who had just hammered an american mugu and done him in for 10thousand dollars and point blank told him that �I don�t believe it ! all that money for nothing � and yoda style the scammer calmly said �you don�t believe that is why you fail, told you I did�
This is the age group that needs these learnings because they have come to accept education and scamming and corruptions as a way of life. Put them in a church and they will make the Pope look like a choir boy, or invite them to a mosque and even the Imam would ask them for an autograph.
This group has adorned a certain smugness because this ideology was derived from previous skirmishes within the jungle called the Nigerian system. The gangbanging I talked about sure beats that on the mean new york streets at least there they do it for drugs and money.
In Nigerian high schools and universities from my research I hear it is for fun and mostly it is not your average drive by shooting but a Gangs of Newyork cutlass and homemade pistols party.
They call these orca, I wonder if the killer whales name had anything to do with it. Anyway kill they are used for and a darn business that would make The Departed movie look like a chick fight.
It is these same folks after being trained in the rudiments of gangwarfare that graduate into the 419ers and scammers that Nigeria has become so gloriously beneficial to.
There is also the satisfaction that this is the most important age group to consider because they have seen the �affluent poverty� of a nation and will not be able to fathom the �decadent poverty� looming in the horizon. Whatever learnings they have presently are apt to find them in hot peppersoup ouchie ! ( I miss naija peppersoup pure fire in liquid form).
You see this group of Nigerians are the ones that will see what it is to live in a Nigeria that doesn�t have oil. The Americanising of Nigeria cum the vast influence of England during its colonial days has coined the terms Yankee and Jand as symbols of success. This is another white elephant dream because in both these places people actually WORK ! especially immigrants. China and especially India have used their brains to earn them a place as the sweatshops of the world and my glorious country Nigeria has a good portion of smarts to achieve this too.
This is one of the learnings Emeka had when he came to the good peoples of oyinbo whiteman.After passing a one year course in two months his supervisor was amazed and asked him how come he could do that . Emeka replied �in country I come from this is small thing, the problem is get job first not book, in Nigeria too many book people .�
Most youth in Nigeria consider the golden fleece as living in the united States or the united kingdom and would give one (not both they are Nigerians and not stupid) of their soon to be kickback legs to reside there with some occasional jaunts to good old bongo for some general Insanity !
Snoop Doggy Cat or dog or whatever he is called now would call it heaven .Lagos is just like the Bronx in Newyork only tougher ! the title of his hit song �rolling down the street smoking indo sipping on gin and juice lay back ������you can certainly do just that in lagos and get away with it , if caught just slip the equivalent of a dollar or two to the cops and who knows they might confiscate the indo for their own private use.
The trouble is The Englanders and the Yanks don�t want people in their country especially Nigerians and the funny thing is that I wonder very much because Nigeria has a lot of Oil and if bushie and blairy invaded eyeraq for the oil yet don�t give a hoot about Nigerians coming to their country .
You have to hear the stories going on in American and British embassies in the glorious nation of Nigeria even Abu Ghraib would look like Sunday school to these places because of the kind of treatment Nigerians take.
My question to this age groups is simple.
If Yankee and Jandon don�t give a hoot about your butts when you have Oil yanfu yanfu , why in the world do you think they would breakdance if your oil becomes irrelevant .
You say to yourselves Nigerian oil reserves are gonna last for eternity, well emeka says that the key word here is �irrelevant� which well said emekaspeak �dem no go need una petrol weder una get 419 oil blocks to lease for 419naira even if una give them advance fee for the 419 blocks dem no go agree dem go say una be fraudsters�
Well this is a scenario that looks farfetched, When Emeka told some of his nna buddies these make benefit scary theories, they all said �no shaking, emeka you too dey yarn� that he should be worrying about his rice container on the high seas.
You dear reader also might say at least in the next 50years Nigeria will still be in business and afterall there is good old Naija Gas, �with gas, as the crooked Nigerian politicians will say �we still dey kampe .�
Okedoke, wait for part 2 of this make benefit series, una go tire ! That was a long time ago that it looked like this but before I give an explanation of how things are gonna jump from frying pan into fire lemme address the last age groups.
Ok twenty to twenty nine you are next. Like the age group before you , by Gods grace you must have graduated or are hoping to graduate from the weird system of A doo kay shun in my glorious country, excuse my English pronunciation of the word Education afterall my name is Emeka.
I am from the ibo tribe of Nigeria and am apt to commerce and general motor spare parts production and sales, I also am very cunning in working out thingys and contraptions.
In the 70�s bloody civil war in Nigeria the biafran Ibo were known to have made guided rockets which they called ogbunigwe, as dubious as they sounded I heard an oldwives tale that claimed local shamans did most of the guiding but o yes they worked and quite well too. I wonder why they lost the war there would have been no need to write this article, the Chinese and Japanese would just love the ibo .
Just as Emeka has made a real snowballing of the word Education, so also Nigeria has turned education into a quagmire of sorts, that is you do get educated in the end but ummmm well sort of .
There was even a popular rap star called Eedris that made up a song that was a hit in Nigeria about a university lecturers antics with his female students with respect to marks in Exams.
�My name is bimbo ,bimbo owoyemi � was a particular part in the song that had a nice rhythm and this same eedris fellow also wrote another song about the glorious nation Nigeria in which he gloriously coined it �Nigeria Jaggar Jaggar, poor man dey suffer suffer, everything scatter scatter, Gbosa Gbosa , gun shot inna the air !� You get the drift in that babble of syllables and tones depicting controlled chaos.
This eedris and a host of his music friends I wonder how they would have made any records if my glorious nation Nigeria had not made itself �glorious� if you know what I mean.
These are cultural learnings for make glorious nation Nigeria .Sorry Mr Borat Nigerian English is not as convoluted as yours the problem is the fact that some Nigerian English accents can break mirrors , Haba !
Well twenty to twenty nines to tell you the truth if I were you I would join the long American embassy queue or any embassy for that matter, don�t worry the Iraqi embassy is an option as I can assure you that for a certainty there is no where in the world a Nigerian can not excel .
Another piece of advice, I would take up Chinese mandarin or bengali as a second language the reasons are obvious China is taking over from the British and Americans the rape of our resources via CNOOC oil Company .
Moreover mandarin will come in handy because for every five people on this here earth there is a chinaman and please when you get your visa make sure you don�t use Nigerian airways or is it Virgin Nigeria Airways because Nigerian planes are still virgins, no wonder they crash so often, too much load and tension.
If I were you I would take a bus or walk , it is safer ! why the name Virgin Nigeria Airlines ? They could as well have called it Richard Branson Airlines, Sir Richard could have kicked the backs of President Obasanjo and his cronies some more, knowing full well that Nigeria within the airline name might not attract a lot of foreign tourists very much. I heard only Nigerians fly virgin Nigeria and I hear the service is very very gloriously shitty .
There was this story I read in the English media that irked the living daylights out of me I aint no James bond but to use such a story to describe my glorious nation and call it sleeping giant to boot .kai ! they might as well have called it drugged sleeping giant !
The story goes that a commercial flight just after take off from one of the Nigerian airports all of a sudden bucked and amidst the momentary horror the plane had to land immediately to which all (Nigerian) the passengers broke into laughter when it safely touched down ! this was a few days after a plane crash that whacked out a lot of lives !
Now it comes to the thirty and upwards age group .The fact is that if you are still in Naija then there is a high certainty expressed by the equation below for X
Where X ~ infinity =x2 + e=mc2 = B
If the equation makes any meaning to you dear reader or any of the Science boffins out there because I aint no Einstein but using my common okoro sense. X is the certainty that good ole bongo might just be the place for you , just prepare for a nation without oils make benefits and hope for the best, expect the worst, in God we trust ! insha allah .
In the Next few weeks I will present part two and it is gonna be a shocker this might spike the stats to the embassy queues or mosques or church, at least there are many of the latter in my glorious country Nigeria .We will speak about the spiritual learnings in the third part of this series!
I hope these few cultural learnings have made for make benefit of the World for glorious nation of Nigeria.
Tank you so mosh
This article comes from TOKUMBO.COM ! home of NeTcHuRcH from naija nigeria !
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