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"Back up boyfriend/girlfriend" Would you forgive them?

Okay. So I BADLY need an outside, un-bias opinion about this situation. I'm so filled with anger and disgust I doubt I'm thinking clearly.

So I was in a relationship for four years (give or take a couple months) with this guy. Ever since the beginning of things with him there was this girl who was madly in love with him. Just before him I had recently gotten out of a very bad relationship (cheating, verbal abuse, ect.). I had explained to him from the very begining I was still very paranoid, angry and easily made jealous. He promised he was willing to "take care of me" and never hurt me. But as the years went on, things only got worse and worse. 

He started paying more attention to the other girl. And I don't mean "Oh. He's talking to her more today than he is with me" or "Oh, he's hanging out with her today instead of me" I mean he literally ignored me. After attempts at trying to get some attention from him by joining in on talking, asking to play video games, things like that(Which is a very big leap for me, I'm very shy and he knows it). I ended up on the other side of the room playing a video game by myself and listening to them joke and laugh together. This wasn't a once in awhile thing. It happened dayly and went on for months. I eventually had a mental break down and refused to talk to him for awhile because I was certain he was about ready to break up with me and go to her.

After a lil' talking, we decided to stay together, but he continued to ignore me (EVEN AFTER I HAD TOLD HIM IT WAS ONE OF THE REASONS I HAD A MENTAL BREAK DOWN). For one year straight I continued to sob and constantly asked myself "Why do I love him?" I never had an answer so I continued to sit there and take him ignoring me (He was also very Intimate with the other girl. They would cuddle, flirt and constantly wed each other on online games as a "joke" He never once even asked if I would like to marry him, "jokingly" or reality wise. I know this because the girl was never shy about telling me about what they did. She would flaunt EVERYTHING intimate she did with him). After the one year I realized I wasn't in love with him anymore and worked up the guts to confess it to him. We have an agreement at the moment that once we sort out our issues we'll get back together.

I talked with the girl recently and she confessed some things to me. (She has no idea we're "broken up", for about a half of a year her and him hadn't been talking to each other ((Argument or something. Don't know the exact details between them))) She believes she had been the "back up girlfriend" for him. "Any time she would find interest in another person, I would disappear or she would try to move on from him, he would pull her back in. Saying things like "if things between us didn't work out he'd probably end up with her" " Her words, not mine. She's shown me conversations (Saved AIM files) of him saying these things.

I have been in a depression state for three of the four years we were together. After the "break up", I was feeling better and have become much happier. To the point I'm pretty sure I want to break things off completely with him and date around. But until I had that talk with her, I wasn't completely sure. I'm now so angry and feel so "toyed with" that I'm about ready to end it completely. Before I do something stupid or over react, again, I need unbias opinions on this situation. 

How would you feel? What would you do, in my place? Give him a second chance? Cut ties? Am I over reacting and angry for no reason, or do I have a good reason to at least be a lil' angry?

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Replies to This Book Discussion

Is having a backup girlfriend or boyfriend wrong?

I am simply curious what other people think. I am already set on my views. It's just that recently someone that I was dating and recently became "just friends" with (even though it just feels like we're on a break whatever that means) told me that he had "opened communication" with his backup during the 2 weeks we weren't talking to each other. I don't know if he's still talking to that person... 

I don't understand the whole concept. It's nice to be realistic, we all go through breakups and it's not fun being alone, but how can you fully be committed to the relationship you're in (whether you're dating or anything more serious) when you have an escape route already planned?

Later later 
At this point we're not in an exclusive relationship, so even though I think backups are wrong and he spoke to his "backup" I don't think I can really condemn him for it. He has told me in the past that I'm the only person that he wants to be with and that he's willing to be friends with the hopes that we'll become more than friends later. I had changed our relationship to "just friends" but then realized that I just wanted a little space and was starting to make efforts to see if we should start dating again if he was ok with it, but then he mentions his backup. I'm wondering now if he's just trying to make me jealous or hurt my feelings... (he's done a few other things to make me think so)

The truth is that you CAN'T be fully committed.. Trust me I know this from experience.. When I was younger I always had a "Plan B" sometimes even a "Plan C".. It always got me into trouble or into situations that were questionable..

the problem with plan B's is that you have to keep them happy along with everyone else other wise they aren't going to be plan B any more.. On top of all the quesionality of the situations, I also think that people care less and when things get tough they just run to the next person..

If you run from problems rather in life or relationships and dont figure out how to work through them. You'll spend your whole life running and you'll never actually get anywhere.
what of backup of back up many girls do it in naija and they say guys are cheating them

abegi shine your eyes jor ! men have backups of backups of backups some get server sef ! Woman must survive na

Whether backup or backdown, it's not good to cheat and moreover men are very deceitive and they pretend alot. Well it's better to go ur way than to die in silence.

I think you have every reason to be angry … I don’t think the guy know what he truly wants..

I will advice to follow your mind gurl  .

This isn't even an issue! This experience is meant to reveal one thing to you; that you don't love yourself enough to go for the best in relationships. This relationship was unhealthy from the word go. But you stuck around because of your desperate need for attention. 

You must never love another man again until you have first learned to love yourself. The rule is, "love thy neighbour as thy self" and not " love thy neighbour MORE THAN thy self".

let me be precise,concise,direct,concrete or watever lady--u need to leave this guy SIMPLY. for 3 years plus out of ur 4 years u were badly shaken up and wat else do u need?okay is until sometin fatal happen abi,b4 the stone will drop from ur eyes abi? well if u know u love him stick to him and suffer maybe God might tourch his heart and u never know u might be the happiest person on earth with him cos this is life.but the cruise of the matter is pls for now leave love and relationship and concentrate on ur health,life and shape it with some quiet moments reflecting ur past in the past and ur past in the present and ur present in the present and then ur present in the future.we need to talk more

If for four years he took you for granted, should you go back to him, he will continue to do that. Even if he apologises, there may not always be a second chance unless you don't mind being taken for granted again.

Know that apology and repentance are two different things. You deserve somebody better; someone who knows and appreciate your worth.

I feel he knows what he was doing,had it mean that he was testing your Faith for @least one year it would have been understood ,but for 3years deem you have to think twice b4 you looses your Godly Blessed Beauty.Cos life no get Duplicate,once old age comes you start understanding,remembering,regretting & feeling like going back to the ****"DAYS"**** to correct your mistakes which is impossible.
They have all answered you here correctly. So, the ball is in your court. If I were you I would have left a long time ago. Why would you stay in a relationship where the man has no time for you? Is it that bad? Please, leave the man alone and look elsewhere. By the way, you don't need any back up. You need the real deal.

Lady u have no reason to be angry bcos u knew he has that other girl b4 u went after him, secondly ,from what u wrote here, i understand u are paraniod as u claim, too much jalous without reason always irritate men in a relationship, so you got what u deserve in that 4yrs relationship bcos u knew he has the other girl madly in love with him yet for flew to him ,so no need to be jalouse,u got what you asked for,u are free to date around as u usually do until u met him ,is upto u . PERIOD and MATTER CLOSE




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