A man in a bar had a couple of beers, and the bartender told him he owed 4 dollars.
"But I paid, don't you remember?" said the customer.
"Okay," said the bartender. "If you say you paid, you did."
The man then went outside and told a friend that the bartender couldn't keep track of his customers' bills. The second man then rushed in and ordered a beer. When it came time to pay he pulled the same stunt.
The barkeep replied, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."
Soon the customer went into the street, saw an old friend, and told him how to get free drinks.
The man hurried into the bar and began to drink high balls when, suddenly, the bartender leaned over and said, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose."
"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responded. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
the World's Shortest Books
25. "My Plan To Find The Real Killers" by O.J. Simpson
24. "To All The Men I've Loved Before" by Ellen DeGeneres
23. "The Book of Virtues" by Bill Clinton
22. The Difference between Reality and Dilbert
21. Human Rights Advances in China
20. "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman
19. Al Gore: The Wild Years
18. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
17. America's Most Popular Lawyers
16. Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
15. Detroit - A Travel Guide
14. Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
13. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
12. Easy UNIX
11. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
10. Everything Men Know About Women
9. Everything Women Know About Men
8. French Hospitality
7. George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
6. "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel
5. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
4. Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
3. Staple Your Way to Success
2. The Amish Phone Directory
1. The Engineer's Guide to Fashion
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do.
" WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you re-marry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again.
" WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house.
" WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?
" WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?
"HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new.
" WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do.
" WIFE: "Would you give her my jewellery?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own.
" WIFE: "Would she wear my shoes"
HUSBAND: "No, she's size 6.
" WIFE: -- silence --
There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really, really, really drunk.
When the bar closed he got up to go home. As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face.
Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt. Then he picked her up and threw her into a wall.
By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move. So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said:
"Not very strong tonight, are you Batman?"
A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, SLAMS a book down and screams at the librarian, - "This is the WORST book I've ever read!" "It has NO plot and far too many characters!"
The librarian looks up and calmly remarks - "So, you're the one who took our phone book..."
The privilege of naming all the children of the tribe always fell to the chief.
One day a small Indian boy asked him how he chose the names for all the children.
"Well, my son," the chief replied, "When I step out of my tepee, I name each child after the first thing I see.
"For instance, when a child is born and I step out of my tepee and see a pale moon rising, I say - you shall be called, Pale-Moon-Rising."
"And when a child is born and I step out of my tepee and see a hawk flying over, I say - you shall be called, Hawk-Flying-Over."
"So why do you ask, Big-Dog Pooping?"
A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.
The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?"
The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."
With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
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