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my dear friend , I am sitting here at the office, working and playing music loud� the earphones are off. The office is practically empty so I can do this. I have 2 cds which I am interchanging: judy jacobs notably of benny hinn fame (one of his main singers) and also my maranatha album I want to

tell you about. I am more moved to certain songs of judy jacobs.. and even as I work, the words of the song are spilling into my spirit.. it is well. I have a feeling that it will be good for us to talk.. but I can't call you in at home.. the lines might be too unclear ,not my style, even on phone cards.. but I want to just talk.my way I know then you will know it is me You know, sometimes we go thru things in life, or maybe it may be how we grew up as children and young adults, or even as adults, and we have to fight to break away from habits, attitudes or situations which put us in a position of victims or in a place where we are not optimized for either our lives or for my use.

Or in a place where we are not the easiest to be married to. But I bless God for His grace� that above all, He knows us more, beyond and above every other person and thing, and He can, will and shall always work with us to make of us, the man/woman He has for us to be.. it is well. Sweetie, I am concerned.. maybe I shouldn't be� but I am.. about you. You seem on one hand, to be this together, person with a deep passion and love for God, with strong goals, dreams and values. On the other hand, you sometimes appear as weak, vulnerable and easily pushed out of the way of your calling. And I don't like that. For you. For your life� Or for your calling from God. I am listening to this song and if I can get the words, I'll try and write them out for you. It's a song about asking God to give us a desire for worship so that the excellency is of God and not of us.

As the deer pants, so pants my soul for you. �Emmanuel, you're watching over me. With your arms open wide, there's a place I can hide: You are my desire, you're watching over me. You are my heart's desire. Everlasting joy, never ending peace, you're all I want, you're all I need, you are my heart's desire. You are greater than the great, wiser than the wise, in you I find my hope, I find healing. Your love is deeper than the deep; Lord you're strong when I'm weak. In you I can find a place I can hide. You are my heart's desire. You are greater than the great, wiser than the wise. You see that I have hope, I find someplace I can hide; you are my heart's desire. In you, I can find someplace I can hide, you are my heart's desire. You deserve the glory, and the honour. Lord I lift my hands in worship as we lift your holy name. (2ce). For you are great, you do miracle so great, there is no one else like you, there is no one else like you. And you are great, you do miracles so great, there is no one else like you. There is no one else. You deserve, It is well. You know what??

Friend, I can be a loner and I thought I had been so for all my life on earth. Isaiah 53 he hath no form nor comeliness; and when we shall see him, there is no beauty that we should desire him. 3 He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not���. KJV Actually, I can fluctuate b/w extreme extrovertedness, and extreme introvertedness am not d lukewarm type , not at all!. 2 big opposites and most ppl have a lot of problem with me because of it. Fact is, I come across to most ppl as outgoing.. although I'm not really that way.. I prefer 1-2-1 relationships in every thing. Ppl get frustrated when I suddenly go extremely quiet and speak with no one. They get frustrated with me cos they feel I am snobbing ppl ; when I change to the quiet me, I can be so withdrawn, but most times I just want to withdraw with you, but you don't see it. Except you really really know me, a lot of my siblings are afraid to even come close. Is it good? No. why?

Becos I have few friends who understand me, your few might be different from mine, but alas, they all live within me, everywhere, so I am not that alone.. is that God's best for me? Oh yes, but he is bringing more people.. so there are times I feel extremely lonely for these others, even though I am used to, and actually can enjoy being alone with my people that I have been given ,but I am not alone, for He is always with me . At those times of extreme loneliness on earth, I used to get the sense that depression was trying to knock its head at my door. What did I do? I even said once � if it be his will, that his cup pass from me!� I did,yes I was tempted with stuff like you are, but I got myself together and said those words, I am sure you have heard �Not my will, but thine be done O Lord �. There was time just before I rose up I even screamed �My God why hath thou forsaken me, �So my darling if you feel that way, just know that I have done that too and he still raised me up Amen! Sweetie: worship. There is nothing like worship songs, worship dances, worship gist all sorts of worship.. it realigns you. It brings you to the mind of the cross and the work of calvary. It shows you victory. It points you to hope, it reassures you of the love of God, it brings you back to the place of victory.. to the place where you should be. It reminds you that you are not alone. All In Heaven know this, that worship of the Father is number one ,not that he just deserves it, he owns it , it is his, lock ,stock and barrel and he loves us so much that he is willing to share it with us. He who died for us how much more will he not in ALL THINGS share with us !

Personally, I live for the love of God.. without it, I don't know where I'd be� that's what has kept me those 33 years.. without that, I don't exist. God is my ALL, always has been, always will be. I did not grow up in a conventional way.. no way. (you all know that, born of a virgin! and born of God, just like some of you) And added to that, was my withdrawn personality. I was too deep, too introspective, too much an island. Too much someone who sees it all and says nothing. Who never fights back and swallows hurts and moves on. With that, you carry a load you shouldn't and that is where the devil comes with power of suggestion. No wonder phil 4:8 admonishes us about our thot life, giving us a guide to the things we should be thinking about. If those things are in place, we can NEVER fall prey to depression.. it is well. Sweetie, can I say?? The choice of friends also help. Iron the word says, sharpens iron.. your non Christian family members or former loved ones shouldn't be your main point of reference, no matter how strong their love for you is. Why??? Becos we are not carnal but spiritual.

And we are continually in a warfare� someone might speak death.. we accept it cos we don't want to always correct their grammar. Your friend/sister (Christian) will only speak things in line with the word and will also encourage you with the word. In the last few weeks, I heard of this church counsellor who each time she calls one of my siblings at home( remember I am the firstborn out of many children), I cry. She never knows cos I don't betray it when I speak.. what moves me? Her love� the words of encouragement she speaks.. after she speaks with her, she sleeps well. What am I saying? How refreshing to the soul, words of life.. a word in season indeed. It is well. I want you to fulfill your potential. You have so much to offer.. your love for God alone is refreshing.. but I want it always kept burning.. the light of the Spirit burning always in your spirit, in all its fervency.. give no place to anything that moves you away from it. Instead cultivate daily habits that will keep you continually on the track of victory.. it is well. I believe a lot of the things you are experiencing stems from aloneness and loneliness. Needing that just special person who will truly understand you, and who jointly, keep each other in check in the things of God.. then pray.. pray for such a one.. but remember, you can't be a half needing a whole, or a half needing another half to make a whole. It will never work. Build yourself up so that when that special someone comes into your life, you will not need to be rescued always: after a while, ppl get tired of doing that, no matter how much they love you. But instead, develop good consistency now, so that that one can really be your advocate, helper, guide, lover, sister,brother, friend, best friend, companion and also the one who helps lead you closer still to God. One thing I have learnt in my life is that God always knows what is best for us. He more than any plan, any will, any effort of ours or others.. He helps the helpless, making the sun shine on the just and the unjust. He is love personified and no matter where we are, what we do, or how helpless and ridden with mistakes we are, He is always there for us. The word says it is He who causes us both to WILL and to DO of His good pleasure. Simply put, even where the desire for Him is not there, He gives that to us. And then enables us still to do. You know, I have seen a lot of pain and sorrow over the years.. and when the crunch is down and no one is there: my Jehovah always stands sure. Even as my sister writes for me now, I tell you, no lie: she is crying. Why?? Because she remembers where she has been and she sees where He daily brings her. Daily helping and delivering her. Daily elevating me and establishing you. He does the same for you too. He does it. He only ever says, 'trust me. Give it all to me. Let me take care of you'. It is well. Honey, remember of what stock you are made� You are OF GOD.. that's no mean feat! You are His! Live in that victory! Insist on it at all cost and refuse any lying vanity! The word says that they that observe lying vanities forsake their own mercy.

Anything that is not in accordance with His will for you is a lying vanity.. depression, sadness, sorrow, etc.. Give them no place. Its all about perception! The antenna not tuned properly cos if it is, we will know like 'footprints', that not only are we not alone, but we are being carried. I have so much to say, but the words are quicker than my fingers and I don't want to bore you with my mail.. although I don't think I'm boring you. But I guess, if I were talking, it would be different.. how much of your heart can you pass across in words? I don't know. It is well. Friend. Be strong okay?? For me?? Or best still, for Him. Me� Ps I heard you still had not given your life to Jesus Christ, why do you linger for He loves you so much. My friend, pls do it at least for me.say the simple words �Lord Jesus come into my life, I acknowledge I am a sinnerand accept you as my personal lord and saviour.I believe that you died for me and cleansed me of all my sins.I am born again in Jesus name, amen!� Ah ! my friend welcome to life! we all scream at netchurch �it is a boy/girl!� and Jesus also says to our Father �lord you have a child � and the Angels throw a wonderful party just for you ! And the loving Daddy says �This is my beloved child in whom I am well pleased� John 3:16 16 "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. NIV God bless you sent in by Afreda Ruth ruce

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