By Myne Whitman
When you have no one you love or care for, you easily convince yourself sex doesn’t really matter. It’s no big deal, you say to anyone who raises an eyebrow, or asks. I am strong you persuade yourself on those nights you go out with friends to catch that romantic comedy with those beautiful love scenes.
Hmmmmm. I tell you it is not easy. Abstinence is not what nature planned for a healthy human body. You hit puberty and the hormones start raging in your system. You read mills and boon and thrills and boon and sex is this earth shattering experience. You read Joan Collins and Harold Robbins and the raunchy aspects are described in titillating detail. The blood pools in certain parts of your body and you can’t wait to meet your own love and share sex with him.
Why abstinence then? You are a teenager and your body is so ready, more than ready. But you are filled with romantic fantasies of there being just one person with whom it would be special. You also remember all the sunday school lessons you attended and if you’re like me, what the catechist made you vow before your confirmation. The years creep by and you become mature enough to realise that you are not emotionally ready no matter how much your body screams for it. You go back to your bible roots and tap some strength from being born again.
Abstinence. Sometimes you ask yourself, what does it really mean? If you make out with your transient boyfriends, does that count? Afterall you did get some pleasure and maybe an orgasm or two from them. You recreate these episodes in your mind those days during your cycle when you are so easily aroused. And if you’re like me you put yourself in the dock those nights you wake up horny from the erotic dreams stalking subconscious. There is afterall that guy that wanted to be your **** buddy.
The years continue to pass and you still abstain. Some of your secondary school friends get married, get pregnant and you wonder at their new found confidence. Your university mates are sexually active and talk about all manner of stuff in your presence. Sometimes you own up to your inexperience and if the company is hostile, you brazen it out with knowledge gleaned from books. You cringe when they mention their numerous abortions, are disgusted when they crawl back to abusive BFs just for the sex and your decision is strengthened.
But does that strengthen your body? Not for me. A case of the spirit being willing and the flesh weak. You help yourself out sometimes and other times you go out with that guy that has been hanging around and allow him cop a feel. Most of the time though you stiffen your upper lip and go to sleep. Your guilty conscience makes you backslide. Furthermore, trying to get busy with church shows up the corrupt underbelly and you lose faith. The choirmaster and the solo singer are having sex so why do you bother? The pastor and his wife wear only Armani and Prada while Brother Puis and his family starve so why do you bother?
You are almost an atheist but you know that’s not possible. You hold on to your decision but it’s no more for God. Some of your friends you shared the pact with had either fallen by the wayside or gotten married. You’re approaching your big 3-0 and your closest friend tells you it’s only fear holding her back. It is no more strength of will. It is no more saving it for that one special guy. The other says its just that after rejecting all the previous eligible suitors, why give it up to some of the yeye people coming around now. What to do? Your crown has become a millstone around your neck.
Then that friend gives in to one of those not so eligible guys, and he marries her after a bit. She’s lucky isn’t she? He’s a bachelor anyways unlike the majority married men that trail after you like flies to raw meat. There is one left and so you console yourself. Then out of the blues, she calls you. I have done it. Done what you ask? Had sex and girl it is so overrated, she blurts. You have heard that before but hearing it from her makes your heart plummet. Is that it? All that you’ve been looking forward to?
But that’s not the end. Did I say it was not easy? If anyone tells you abstinence is easy, they’re fibbing big time. You are now dating a guy you love more than all the others. He loves you so much and also understands you stance, he is ready to wait. But your friend is on your neck. Ahhh it gets better. The more you have sex, the better it becomes. She is having the time of her life and she wants you to join the league. Bobo is making subtle moves and your body is feeling him. A lot. What to do?
It is not easy I tell you. However, at the end of the end, it a decision you have to make yourself.
