"Mai broda, I laugh tire yesterday my ribs nearly cracked open." "But I know you. Even when there is nothing to laugh about, you are permanently titillated. God must have deposited some amount of laughing gas in your blood stream and so life for you is one long comedy. Where others see sorrow, you see an opportunity to bare your teeth. I understand. We can't all be the same."
But you should hear me out first..."
"Okay what is it? But remember that today is Good Friday. Not a day to go about laughing anyhow as if you are mocking God. It is the day in honour of our Lord Jesus Christ, the day he covered all of us in His Blood, with His original sacrifice, so that bloody sinners like you may share in the grace of Salvation"
"I am talking about yesterday."
"What happened yesterday?"
"It was April Fools' Day".
"Oh yes, the day specially set aside for the recognition of some people that I know."
"I laughed and laughed."
"Naturally"
"You know no matter how life turns out, Nigerians have a great capacity for laughter."
"I have one of the laughing Nigerians in front of me, so I should know."
"I got some text messages that I think should win prizes for the best April fool jokes."
"Oh, if that is what is given you rib pains, I got a few of those too. There was this one that said the appointment of Ministers had been put on hold because President Umaru Yar'Adua was going to address the nation at 12 noon. I believed it. I was fooled. I even sent it to some friends who also got fooled. Before I knew what was happening, people were calling me to ask if indeed it was true. Some people immediately rushed to their television sets. But by 12 noon, there was no Yar'Adua, and then it dawned on me that it was an April Fool joke."
"Looks like the Yar'Adua family has been finally turned into a national joke. I won't be surprised if one of these days, we have a film coming out of Nollywood titled the Missing President"
"I suggest the Living Ghost"
"That is a bad title for a movie"
"Who is saying so? What better title to convey the current situation in the Presidency?"
"The man is not a ghost."
"I say a living ghost. What is a ghost? -an unseen object that can be occasionally visible to the living."
"Nigerians are callous towards their leaders. You know there was this other April Fool joke about Turai. It said Turai's name had been forwarded to the Senate for consideration as a Minister of the Federal Republic."
"I believed that one too. I even suspected that it may have been the handiwork of some of her image management people. Do you think if Jonathan offers the woman a portfolio, she won't jump at it?"
"Kai. That will be the ultimate betrayal."
"She will take it! In fact, even the Yar'Adua April Fool joke may have been a kite that someone was flying. You think if Turai is offered the Petroleum Ministry or the Federal Capital Territory, she won't jump at it? She will jump at it the way a monkey jumps at a piece of banana."
"Let's be fair."
"Your problem is that you always optimistic. Did you not see how the young Yar'Adua was so enthusiastic at his Ministerial screening?"
"Meaning what?"
"The young man made it a point of duty to tell the Senate and by extension all Nigerians that he intends to do things in a new way and that he promises all Nigerians youthful energy. I don't consider that an innocent promise. That fellow was trying to tell us that he is a healthy Yar'Adua, young, virile, ready to make his own mark, lest anyone thinks that it is the entire family that is incapacitated. If he was asked to produce his medical records, he would have done so immediately. I won't be surprised if he had a medical report in his pocket!"
"He couldn't have been as callous as you are putting it."
"I am repeating what the fellow said. In this country, when it comes to the game of power, there are no innocent remarks. When a Yar'Adua from another wing of the family says he is young and new, you should dissect and dimension the statement. That was a campaign speech."
"Look, let's leave the Yar'Aduas alone. As far as I am concerned, what the Senate called Ministerial screening was a joke. The entire exercise lacked depth and sense."
"What did you expect? I never expected any serious screening in the first place."
"It is perhaps this kind of thing that makes people like Gaddafi say that Nigeria should be split into several ethnic states."
"Gaddafi should shut up. Let him go and split his own country into the Arab North and the Black South. In fact, Nigeria should shut down its embassy in Tripoli completely. When Gaddafi first made that statement about Nigeria being split into Muslim North and Christian South, and everyone started calling him a madman, I thought Nigerians were over-reacting. But now, I am convinced that something is wrong with that man. "
"He has breached the cardinal rule of diplomacy. It is wrong for the representative of a sovereign state to call for the dismemberment of another sovereign state."
"And the man repeats the affront by modifiying his initial assault on sovereign Nigeria. It is an act of war. War doesn't have to be physical, it can be verbal or psychological. President Jonathan must regard this as war against Nigeria."
"Ol' boy, be careful. I don't think Nigeria can go to war against Libya oh, with this Nigerian military that can't even take charge of the Niger Delta. But if you are calling for a verbal war. Yes. I support that. We have people who can talk; that's why the telecom companies are making a kill. We can report Gaddafi to the African Union and put ECOWAS on notice."
"The security of Nigeria is threatened. Have you not noticed that some Nigerians are already saying Gaddafi is right? His statement has suddenly become a source of inspiration for many of our stupid compatriots."
"Nigerians will latch on to any statement. But don't use the word stupid. Gaddafi has not said anything, after all the Americans also said Nigeria will soon break down and break up, but it does not lie in his mouth, Gaddafi to say so."
"You mean you don't mind when the Americans say it. But you take offence when Gaddafi puts his mouth into the matter. Look, talking seriously, I think the long and short of it is that we should try and put our house in order."
"The man even said Nigeria should break up like Yugoslavia. And you know Gaddafi, once he starts a campaign he doesn't give up. My fear is that he may have been listening to some aggrieved Nigerian ethnic nationalists."
"He probably has been listening to the Nigerian asylum seekers and immigrants who have become very notorious in Libya."
"I don't think he should be ignored. Nigeria should find a way of putting him where he belongs."
"But we sef, we get too many problems for dis country. Yes, some of us don't want Nigeria to break up, but does it not say something to you, that in Plateau state, the House of Assembly had to pass a special resolution condemning the attempt by the National Youth Service Corps Headquarters to withdraw young Nigerians on national service in that state. The state Governor had to offer a sum of N5 million to the youth corps members who reject redeployment from the state. When young Nigerians have to be bribed to stay in any part of their country, that is a veritable sign of crisis."
"I am interested in that N5 million. Who collected it? How will it be shared? Who is entitled to it? Is it N5 million per corps member or for all corps members, since automatically anyone that is still in Jos is entitled to it."
"How does that concern you? You are not a beneficiary."
"I am a concerned observer. Don't let us wait until you and I start discussing the why, how and wherefore of the N5 million after it may have led to another outbreak of violence."
"The issue in Jos is not about money, it is about indigeneship, who is a settler and who is not, and power and privileges and position."
"You are talking about money. Who gets it, who controls it? And it is not only in Jos. It is everywhere. Look at the protest in Lagos state about the nomination of Segun Aganga as the Minister from Lagos in the Jonathan cabinet. Some Lagos indigenes have put out adverts saying Aganga is not from Lagos state, they say he is from Sabongida Ora in Edo state and that an Edo man cannot come and take a Lagos slot."
"Let's face it, who is from Lagos? I have been saying it. Lagos state is no longer Lagos Island. It belongs to all of us from Isale Eko to the Ijebus in Somolu, the Ibos in Amuwo Odofin, the Mallams in Agege, the Egbas in Abule Egba, the Oro people in Surulere, not to talk of all the people from Brazil, Sierra Leone, Portugal and Liberia who have made Lagos home. We live here. We pay tax here."
"The indigenes disagree."
"So, they justify Gaddafi"
"But really, I think those protesters are interested in their pockets. They want a man from the clan and the party who will make returns. Don't you know that a Ministerial appointment is an invitation to come and chop?"
"Sad. Even in Ogun state, the Yewa/Awori people took to the streets; they insist that only a man from their area should be Minister from Ogun. I think we should be more interested in ability not where a man comes from."
"Sadly in Nigeria, we can't run away from issues of balance."
"Too many stupid things happen in this country. I will give you one example. The Sharia Court in Kaduna has issued an order banning people from discussing the amputation of Mallam Jangebe on Facebook and Twitter. Why? The commentators are criticising the Sharia."
"Don't waste your sweat on that. If a court gives an order that it cannot enforce, why do you bother yourself?"
"The ruling is an assault on the freedom of speech"
"Just as amputation is an assault on human rights."
"You know, we should be optimistic, it won't be long before we have peace in this country."
"How?"
"You know President Obama has now said that more offshore oil drilling licenses should be given out in the United States. With the US producing more oil, this could affect the global price of oil and the demand for Nigerian crude oil, with a corresponding reduction in revenue"
"Nigerian crude is special. It is low sulphur crude. Very sweet crude."
"Still we should be thinking of other options. Like agriculture."
"Agriculture? Are you aware that Nigeria has sent some consultants to the Middle East asking investors to come and buy Nigerian land for cultivation with a guarantee that all the produce can be exported 100%."
"In a country where a taxi can have a head on collision with an aircraft, indeed anything is possible.".
