Kick off: 7.45pm.
CORRECTION: FOUR SPURIOUS OMENS BECOME THREE! I've just realised (2) happened in 2006, and Henry only left Arsenal in 2007. My. How time flies when your brain is slowly dying.
After much dull speculation - sorry - Cesc Fabregas is passed fit! Almunia, Sagna, Gallas, Vermaelen, Clichy, Fabregas, Song, Diaby, Nasri, Bendtner, Arshavin.
Subs: Fabianski, Rosicky, Eduardo, Walcott, Denilson, Eboue, Campbell.
No Andres Iniesta for Barca, and Henry's only on the bench. Valdes, Dani Alves, Pique, Puyol, Maxwell, Messi, Keita, Busquets, Xavi, Pedro, Ibrahimovic.
Subs: Pinto, Marquez, Bojan, Henry, Milito, Toure Yaya, Jeffren.
Referee: Massimo Busacca (Switzerland).
Missing the next match if they're booked: Fabregas and Gael Clichy are treading a fine line for Arsenal, while needing to watch out in Barcelona shirts are Gerard Pique and Carles Puyol. Hmm, Fabregas and Puyol aren't setting much in the way of captain's examples, are they? But if the top players really must get themselves idiotically suspended for the next leg, then let's see some proper old-school haymaker throwing, please, no half measures.
Ersatz sub-Ronaldo teamsheet drama: Fabregas may yet not start! He's got special dispensation to drop to the bench, and loll on it, if his warm-up doesn't go well. CHRIST ALMIGHTY. Either he's fit or he's not. Does everything have to be such a drama these days?
Poor man's pre 1998 World Cup final carry-on: After all that, Fabregas starts. BLASPHEME BLASPHEME BLASPHEME. Now, can we just get on with it, please?
Click, clack, click, clack, click, clack, click, clack, clickity, clackity, click, clack, clack. The teams walk out onto the pitch. It won't be long, it won't be long.
Tippy, tappy, passy, passy. So, any chance you're running an illicit book on (a) possession percentages or (b) how long before the ITV commentator sees football so beautiful he starts humping his monitor?" asks Niall Caldwell. "A fiver on 57% for Barça and 14 minutes respectively." I'd go for 87% Barcelona and 0.0000000043234 seconds, were I running such a book, which I'm not. You've also forgotten to ask how long it'll take before said ITV mouthpiece starts banging on about Brazil 70-style football despite only witnessing a few simple passes being strung together.
And we're off! Arshavin immediately attempts to make things happen down the left, but his cross is too deep. Barcelona romp upfield and win a corner, just because they can. From it, sent in from the right, Busquets is found free in the centre, eight yards out. His sidefoot towards the bottom-left corner looks like creeping in, but is fingertipped away brilliantly by Almunia. That, ladies and gentlemen, is a start.
3 min: Barcelona are on the front foot. A lot of ball enjoyed by Keita, Busquets and Alves. Eventually Arsenal try to pass their way out of bother - only for Arshavin to immediately give it away to Xavi. Luckily for Arsenal the pass forward towards Ibrahimovic is heavy and bounces out of play. "All of this talk about Fabregas would lead me to make the dangerous assumption that Arsenal are just a one-man team," writes Peter Anthony Corway. "So it's not just Manchester United who have that problem then."
5 min: This is rather embarrassing for Arsenal at the moment. They have hardly touched the ball. Messi picks the ball up while racing down the inside-right channel, drops a shoulder to drift inside, and forces Almunia into saving with his feet with a low, hard shot.
6 min: This is extremely embarrassing for Arsenal at the moment. Alves swans down the right in acres, zipping a low cross into the centre for Ibrahimovic, who is free, six yards out. The big galoot balloons the ball miles over the bar, then has the brass neck not to look sheepish simply because the offside flag was up and it wouldn't have counted anyway. Dear God. Is he ever going to score in a big Champions League game?
9 min: It feels like the Emirates is tipped up onto one side at the moment, so often does the ball come back at Arsenal. Ibrahimovic zips down the right, cuts inside, and wallops a low shot into the right-hand side netting. Messi was clear in the middle; an early low cross would have caused Arsenal some severe discomfort there.
12 min: Just nothing whatsover from Arsenal at the moment. "Is it just me who expects Little Cesc to swap shirts with Yaya Toure?" wonders Gary Naylor. "I don't mean at the end of the match - I mean in August." He's here all week, ladies and gentlemen. He's here all year. Hell, he'll be here all decade.
13 min: This is preposterous. Three saves from Almunia, and blocks from Song and Vermaelen have just denied Messi (twice), Xavi, Ibrahimovic and Alves - in the space of one minute. The ball's just flying at the goal from all angles.
16 min: Vermalelen upends Ibrahimovic down the right. From the free kick, Pedro takes the ball down, just to the left of goal, ten yards out. His effort is deflected high and wide by a desperate parry by Almunia. "Some people have suggested that Wenger can't really lose from this tie: if Arsenal lose then, 'well, it was against Barcelona'; if they win then, 'what justification for Arsene!'; but is that really true?" asks David Wall. "If Arsenal are really thumped over the two-legs then they'll look like the European equivalent of West Brom in the Premier League last year. Mowbray's reputation suffered pretty badly from that (even before he reinforced the impression with Celtic this year). Could Wenger's pride take the same kind of humiliation?" We could as him now. This is the most one-sided start to a game I've ever seen.
18 min: Almunia - the only Arsenal player to turn up so far, and thank God for them that he has, else it'd be 7-0 - holds onto a Pique header from a right-wing cross. There were three yellow Barca shirts queueing up to stick the nut on that.
20 min: Arshavin is booked for a studs-up challenge on Busquets. It may have been frustration at seeing Puyol clear a deep Fabregas right-wing cross with a spectacular - and totally needless - diving header.
23 min: "This has nil-nil written all over it," writes Anthony O Connell. "For the next five minutes." And so, right on cue, just to ruin the gag, Arsenal finally do something. Nasri cuts inside from the left and, on the edge of the area, unleashes a purler of a curler towards the bottom-right corner. The ball flies just wide of the post. A superb effort - and one that gets a previously stunned crowd going.
26 min: Arshavin is limping, having injured himself making that daft tackle on Busquets. After waiting for Barcelona to pass it around for what seems like three halves of football, the ball finally goes out of play so Eboue can replace him. Incidentally, the ball went out for a goal kick, Messi running it out of play on the right - but only after Clichy had clattered into him. I reckon that should have been a penalty. Arsenal got away with one there.
29 min: Ibrahimovic wins a towering header at the left-hand post from a deep Alves cross. Almunia is sharp and first to the ball, though Galoot was offside anyway. How this is still goalless I'll never know.
32 min: Barcelona are passing it around. A lot. But that's not exactly news. "It's like watching Ajax 1972 after they have bathed in amphetamine," writes Ben Dunn. Maybe they should have taken it in pill form rather than taking a dip in it, because it's more like watching Holland 1974; a lot of fancy passing and forgetting to put the ball in the net. Luckily for Barcelona, Nicklas Bendtner is no Gerd Muller.
33 min: Messi twists and twirls just to the left of goal, outside the area, laying the ball inside to Galoot, who turns and sends a low, hard shot well wide left of target.
35 min: Bendtner diddles down the right and loops the ball into the six-yard area. Diaby gets the very top of his head to the ball, but can only divert it miles wide left. That's better from Arsenal, in as much as it's something, anything. "Is it interesting to note Ibra has never scored nor beaten an 'English' club?" wonders Stephen Alexander. "Note, this fact may be only half way interesting if you actually consider Arsenal an English club."
37 min: This is one of the most ridiculous games I've ever seen. After all that Barcelona pressure, Arsenal nearly go one up. Nasri crosses deep from the left. Alves misjudges the flight, leaving Bendtner alone in the centre with the ball at his feet. His first effort is saved by Valdes, the second is Ibrahimoviched against the right-hand post from a mere six yards. The ball then pinballs around before being hacked clear by Pique. None of it matters, as Bendtner was offside. How on earth is this still goalless?
40 min: Song is booked for not retreating from a free kick. On the halfway line. There really was no need to pick up that. Adding injury to insult, Gallas is down on the floor rubbing his leg.
43 min: Gallas has departed on a stretcher. Arsenal may leave this one until half time, the option after all being Campbell v Messi. "Ibrahimovic can hardly be expected to have scored against an English club since before this season he played for perennial European losers Inter," writes Simon Frank, who presumably doesn't support Chelsea. "Plus, big game bottlers don't score the winning goal against Real Madrid in the superclásico... having said that, he's horribly out of form, eh?"
44 min: Fabregas will miss the next match, booked for a late lunge on Busquets. The former Nou Camp youth player looks utterly distraught, not least because he got a big old piece of the ball.
44 min and a bit: From distance, Ibrahimovic skies a shot which can't have stayed in the stadium. It simply can't have. Apologies to Simon Frank, but that is possibly the worst shot ever taken in the history of professional football, and we all remember Jaap Stam's penalty at Euro 2000. Denilson, and not Campbell, is on for the crocked Gallas.
45 min: For the second time in two minutes - the Fabregas booking got in the way earlier - Nasri scoots free(ish) down the left and nearly finds Bendtner in the centre, only for Puyol to slide the ball clear.
HALF TIME: There's no point me telling you the score, you simply wouldn't believe it. How on earth aren't Barcelona ahead? They could easily have been five up after a quarter of an hour. Oh for a goalscorer in the mould of, I dunno, Samuel Eto'o. For Arsenal, it's been pretty dismal viewing, although Almunia and Nasri have both been excellent. And for a team often accused of lacking bottle, you can't accuse them of not digging in and putting in a shift.
Ibrahimovic: Galoot. "I have to object to you referring to Ibrahimovic as Galoot," blasts Ted Storer. "He is Swedish and plays for Barcelona. Shouldn't there be an umlaut or other diacritic over a vowel?" Fair point, but I'm not sure I've got a fancy enough character set. Matty Nesbitt may be able to assist. "Is Ibrahimovic the new Serginho? The moustache on the Mona Lisa? The Catalan Nicklas Bendtner?" OK, Serginhovic it is. Until I forget all about this when he shins one over the bar from a yard out on 47 minutes.
And we're off again... and... ZLATAN IBRAHIMOVIC: FOOTBALL GENIUS!!! Arsenal 0-1 Barcelona. Forget anything I ever said, like you were ever going to remember it anyway. Chasing a long ball down the inside-right channel, Ibrahimovic outpaces Song and from the right-hand corner of the area, lifts the most delicious sidefooted effort over the advancing Almunia and into the empty net. That was outstanding. OK, why doesn't he do this all the time?
47 min: Ibrahimovic signally does not shin one over the bar from a yard out. He's too busy running around celebrating, accepting plaudits, etc. That really was a fantastic goal. It took a whole 23 seconds of the second half to score.
49 min: Pique and Fabregas run into each other just to the left of the Barcelona box. The stunned crowd begin to shout, shout a bit more upon the referee giving not even a foul, and then fall silent again. "I take Serginhovic back," mumbles Matty Nesbitt, who can take succour from the fact that he's not in my shoes.
51 min: Ibrahimovic, on the edge of the D, heads a long ball down for Pedro, who should get an effort on target but drags a shot wide right.
53 min: Ibrahimovic sets Barca going forward with a neat backheel in the centre circle. A couple of passes later, he's dragged down 20 yards from goal by Song. The resulting free kick is wasted, Busquets sending a soft shot straight down Almunia's throat.
54 min: Both teams nearly score with a header. First Bendtner hammers a really poorly directed close-range effort straight at Valdes, wasting Clichy's perfect cross from the left, then Xavi skims a dreadful one wide left from a right-wing Alves ball.
56 min: Bendtner chases after a Fabregas flick down the inside-right channel, but the ball skids off the turf and into the hands of Valdes. Speaking of wasted effort, Loz Kaye just spent the last few minutes typing "Gålööt, gålööt".
58 min: Maxwell tears down the right, nearly finding both Xavi and Pedro in the centre with a low cross. Song does brilliantly to clear.
59 min: GOAL!!! Arsenal 0-2 Ibrahimovic. Zlatan, the slayer of the English, zips clear of Vermaelen down the inside-right channel and into the area - and wastes no time in hammering the ball into the top-right corner. We always knew this was going to happen - but by two simple balls hoofed practically up the centre?
62 min: Eboue skates down the middle of the park. He's bundled over, winning a free kick, but instead of pumping the ball towards the area Barca-style - remember how those two goals were scored - attempt to triangle-pass it down the pitch. Soon enough the ball's lost. "Does the big man need renaming for this half GOAL-OOT?" asks Matt the Hat, salvaging a little something from the wreckage of this MBM.
65 min: Arsenal can't get the ball again. Nasri, who was their star player in the first half, is to be replaced by Walcott - but just before he runs off the field, he's told to stay on, Sagna departing instead. "Tippy tappy?" repeates Damien Neva, a callback from pre-Goaloot days. "No, just a ball to the big bloke is enough to undo Arsenal. Invariably it has worked for Chelsea."
68 min: Walcott doesn't take long to get involved, ripping down the right wing and sending in a low cross. Sadly for Arsenal, there's nobody there, allowing Valdes to dip down and collect the ball.
69 min: GOAL!!! Arsenal 1-2 Barcelona. Bendtner, in the centre of the Barca half, passes down the inside-right channel towards Walcott, who strides past Maxwell, opens his body, and sidefoots powerfully goalwards. It's a decent effort, albeit one Valdes should smother. The keeper doesn't, though, the ball going through his body and into the net. This tie felt all over - but not now.
72 min: Pique is booked for cynically dragging down Fabregas as he looks for a one-two, 25 yards out, just to the right of the D. He'll miss the second leg. Is this tie turning dramatically? It will if Fabregas can score from this free kick.
73 min: Fabregas can't keep his shot down, though. "Can we still say Ibrahimovic hasn't scored against English opposition?" wonders Etienne Michelet, reading aloud from a copy of 101 Classic Arsenal Putdowns.
75 min: Eboue is booked for an artless scythe on Puyol.
76 min: Messi skitters down the left and cuts into the box, but can't get his shot away. Goaloot - aka The John Fashanu of Barca, according to Ian Copestake - is replaced by Thierry Henry. Now then.
79 min: Diaby is booked for a hilariously blatant hack on Keita. "I was about to muse about the guaranteed ineffectuality of speed merchant Walcott," writes Francis Lee. "Luckily I was delayed by perusing Hadley Freeman's piece on Uma Thurman. I might now actually start watching the match for more than eight seconds at a time." You and me both, Francis. You and me both.
82 min: Walcott and Maxwell challenge for a ball down the right. The former bundles the latter over, for which the referee calls a foul. The Emirates explodes in fury at the decision - or is it frustration? "I think the fact that Arsenal have suffered injuries against a friendly passing team like Barca shows what a bunch of senistive flowers they really are," notes Silver Fox.m
84 min: PENALTY TO ARSENAL - AND A RED CARD FOR PUYOL! From a cleverly judged right-wing cross, Bendtner, standing on the spot, cushions a header down to Fabregas. Puyol and Fabregas come together, the latter going down fairly easily to win a penalty - though you can't blame him for that. A generous award, and adding insult to injury, the big defender is sent packing - and will miss the next leg. Fabregas will take the penalty.
85 min: WHAT A COMEBACK! Arsenal 2-2 Barcelona. Fabregas hammers it down the middle, the ball sailing slightly to the left before bulging the net. The only downside: he's kicked the ball so hard, he's injured himself and limps off. With no subs left, Arsenal will play the rest of the match with ten men.
87 min: Nope, Fabregas has limped back on. But he's not moving around much. Milito comes on for Messi; Barcelona will be more than happy with a draw now.
89 min: The Emirates, so quiet for most of the half, is bouncing now. "This is a farce," suggests Barrie Stevens, balancing out the noise. "Barca should be home and dry by at least four goals by now."
90 min: There will be three more minutes of this.
90 min +1: Xavi is this close to setting Henry free, alone in the Arsenal half. Song gets something in the way; that was such a crucial interception.
FULL TIME: There's no point me telling you the score, you simply wouldn't believe it. Well, how on earth have Arsenal got away with a draw there? They were thoroughly outplayed for approximately 88 of those minutes - and allowed Zlatigol to break his duck against English clubs - but showed immense grit to fight back for a draw. Chances are that Arsenal will need to win in the Nou Camp - but Barcelona will have something to worry about now, especially as Carles Puyol and Gerard Pique will both miss the second leg. The final word goes to Alex Richman: "Well, all Wolves have to do is follow Barcelona's long-ball blueprint at the weekend, eh?"
Thierry Henry
So Thierry Henry is back at Arsenal for the first time since leaving for Barcelona. It's not the first time he's popped back to Blighty, though, is it. Some positive omens for the Gunners, then...
1. He missed a penalty on his Barcelona debut at Dundee United. In the last minute.
2. He was the creative hub of a France team beaten in the Euro 2008 qualifiers at Hampden by a Scottish side featuring Garry O'Connor, Gary Teale and Christian Dailly, 83. "Wait until we get them back to Paris," he threatened after the match. Oh!
3. He couldn't score against Rangers at Ibrox in Europe. You don't need anyone to explain the inherent problem with this.
4. He missed a glorious chance to put Barcelona into the 2008 Champions League final at Old Trafford. A missed header, from six yards with 13 minutes to go, described as "feeble" by our very own Barry Glendenning.
It doesn't look too clever, does it? Hooray for Arsenal! Hooray for Britain, what a glorious nation! Though on the other hand... (1) He put away the rebound at Tannadice, (2) took France to Euro 2008, (3) reached the semi-finals of the Champions League, and (4) won it the year after. So he'll be unlikely to be worrying too much.
Also: (5) Arsenal have been thrashed in their two other big matches at the Emirates this season, a 3-0 pasting by Chelsea and a 3-1 walloping by Manchester United, (6) Barcelona are better than Chelsea, (7) Barcelona are better than Manchester United, and (8) Henry might not get a sniff of action this evening anyway, rendering those four spurious omens totally worthless. Oh!
