A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, and a tummy tuck. She even has someone come in and change her hair colour. She figures that since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it.She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.She arrives in front of God again and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?"God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."Bless you!
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A British physicist has revealed his plan to launch a new internet search engine so powerful that one expert has suggested it "could be as important as Google".
London-born scientist Stephen Wolfram says that his company, Wolfram Research, is preparing to unveil the system in two months' time.
Known as Wolfram Alpha, the site is an attempt to address some of the deficiencies of current web search by understanding people's questions and answering them directly.
"Fifty years ago, when computers were young, people assumed that they'd quickly be able to handle all these kinds of things … and that one would be able to ask a computer any factual question and have it compute the answer," he wrote on the Wolfram Research website.
"But it didn't work out that way … I'd always thought, though, that eventually it should be possible. And a few years ago, I realised that I was finally in a position to try and do it."
According to its creator, the system understands questions that users input and then calculates the answers based on its extensive mathematical and scientific engine.
Natural language processing – the ability to determine – has long been a holy grail for computer scientists, who believe for interacting with machines in an instinctive way. And that, says Wolfram, is part of the code that Alpha has cracked.
"The way humans normally communicate is through natural language – and when one's dealing with the whole spectrum of knowledge, I think that's the only realistic option for communicating with computers too," he wrote.
"Of course, getting computers to deal with natural language has turned out to be incredibly difficult. And, for example, we're still very far away from having computers systematically understand large volumes of natural language text on the web."
Other search engines, such as Google, compare search terms against billions of documents stored on its servers, before pointing to the pages on which the correct answer is probably kept.
Although this method has proved phenomenally successful, many computer scientists have continued trying to create a system that can understand human language.
One of the most recent to claim a breakthrough was Powerset, which raised $12.5m (£8.9m) in funding and was under development for several years – but only released a limited search engine for Wikipedia before being bought by Microsoft for $100m last year.
According to Nova Spivack, the founder of another intelligent web service, Twine, Alpha is far more impressive than what has gone before.
"Wolfram Alpha is like plugging into a vast electronic brain," he wrote. "It provides extremely impressive and thorough questions asked in many different ways, and it computes answers – it doesn't merely look them up in a big database."
The plan is already gaining media attention, but the 49-year-old is used to getting noticed for his exploits. After studying at Eton and Oxford, Wolfram went on to receive his PhD in theoretical physics from the California Institute of Technology at the age of 20 .
As a result he was awarded a Macarthur genius grant in 1981, and later generated a mixture of applause and opprobrium with his famous book, A New Kind of Science. In it, he suggested that simple algorithms, rather than complex rules and structures, could be at the root of all science.
Reaction to the idea – which Wolfram said could boil down to a computer program consisting of just "three or four lines of code" – was mixed.
Some critics felt that Wolfram unfairly refused to submit his theories to peer review in the decade that he worked on the book, while others claimed he courted publicity by building up the image of a reclusive genius.
Whatever the outcome of Wolfram's audacious claims, however, his track record is strong. One of his previous creations, the computer program Mathematica, is now used by many scientists to help them with their work.
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Some days are a battle,a steep climb uphill,and you think you won't make itand never will, butdon't give up!When the money is low,and the bills are highand you hang your headand want to cry,don't give up!Things will go wrong--and they always will;but try to smile when youget the bill, anddon't give up!Life may be a palletof gray skies and bluebut only storms can bringa rainbow to you, sodon't give up!Even when your spirit's flying lowand you're floating on doubtand your whole life issuddenly turned inside out,don't give up!Let me tell youwhat success is all about,it means hanging in thereand sticking it out! Sodon't give up!When you're tiredand you can't go on,and your fuel is lowand your hope is gone,don't give up!Remember your dreamseven when they seem far,because you never knowjust how close you are, if youdon't give up!The tide will always turnwhen you're hardest hit,So give it your all,but never quit! Anddon't give up!
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Bungee jump off the Kawarau Bridge, New ZealandFlinging yourself off a ledge attached to nothing more than a springy cord may seem like madness, but kamikaze Kiwis love nothing more than a rush of adrenaline.New Zealand is the home of commercial bungee jumping, and the 43m-high Kawarau Bridge in Queenstown is the original jump spot. 1,2,3 and you’re off, forwards or backwards, with a dip in the river if you so desire.if you can’t afford to hop aboard Virgin Galactic’s space flights (a mere snip at US$200,000 a seat [£140,000]), this is the closest you can get to space travel. Board a plane at Florida's Kennedy Space Centre, try to hold on to your breakfast through a series of parabolic flight manoeuvres and then you can fly, float and flip in zero gravity to your heart’s content.Astronauts prepare for space missions in this way, and Hollywood has used these specially adapted craft for movies such as Apollo 13Witness a total eclipse, 2009 AsiaShiver in the moon's shadow and goggle at the sun's ghostly corona during a total solar eclipse and you’ll never forget the experience. Britain won’t see a total eclipse for many decades, so be prepared to pack your bags: on July 22 2009, a total eclipse will be visible along a narrow corridor from India through Nepal, Bangladesh, Bhutan, Burma, China and Japan's Ryukyu IslandsFly a supersonic MiG jet, RussiaFulfil those Top Gun fantasies you’ve been harbouring since adolescence. Break the sound barrier and slice through Russian airspace in one of the country’s top-grade military jet fighters. A few select agencies now offer travellers the chance to fly the classic MiG-29 or more advanced MiG-31 from Moscow and Nizhny.Ride the world’s biggest rollercoaster, USA/JapanActually, you have a choice of two: the world’s tallest and fastest, or the world’s longest, ride. For the former you’ll need to head to Six Flags Great Adventure park in Jackson, New Jersey, and take a spin on the Kingda Ka. This metal monster reaches a speed of 206km/hr and climbs to a height of 140m.Meanwhile for the longest ride in the world, strap yourself into the Steel Dragon 2000, in Nagashima, Japan – a mere 2,479m of track along which to maintain stomach control.Spend summer solstice above the Arctic CircleNeed proof that the Earth is round? Stay awake for 24 hours of daylight, and watch the sun as it circles in the sky above the Arctic Circle during the summer solstice. Seeing the “midnight sun” is truly disorientating, and various events mark the occasion, from fun runs and cruises to all-day parties (well, they could hardly be all-night could they?). Some of the best locations include Hammerfest, Norway; Fairbanks, Alaska; and Inuvik, CanadaVisit a live volcano, Costa Rica/Hawaii/RéunionSmell the sulphur, feel the earth tremble and watch as molten lava spews from the ground. This once-in-a-lifetime experience is not for the faint of heart. But to see the Earth recreating itself right in front of you is an awe-inspiring sight, never forgotten.Popular erupting volcano hikes include Hawaii Volcanoes national park, which is safe enough to bring the family along but active enough to see molten lava flowing into the sea; a more fearsome trek through Volcán Arenal national park in Costa Rica, which contains one of the most active volcanoes in the world and is also celebrated for its hot springs; and Piton de la Fournaise Volcano on the island of Réunion, east of Madagascar, which erupts in fountains of lava with surprising regularityTravel overland, London to SydneyIf you dream of swapping Bognor for Bondi, but your eco-conscience is getting in the way, skip the plane and let the OzBus take the strain.In 13 weeks, you will drive – and occasionally float – from Britain to Australia via the classic European cities of Prague and Budapest, through Istanbul and the dazzling salt deserts of Iran to the colossal Taj Mahal, Thai islands and the mighty Australian outback. Complete the course and you’ll have “real travel” bragging rights for lifeTake the plunge skydiving, the HimalayasIf you are going to risk your life jumping out of a plane, you might as well do it somewhere truly spectacular. So how about Mount Everest? Incredible Adventures is one company that offers no-experience-required tandem jumps in front of Everest, landing on the world’s highest drop zoneDance the tango, Buenos AiresThink you can do better than the contestants on Strictly? Sultry, sensual and intense, this dance is said to have evolved in the brothels and impoverished barrios of Buenos Aires in the late 19th century.Put yourself through your paces by combining Spanish classes with tango lessons in the Argentinian capital for the complete Latin experience.La Tomatina, Buñol, SpainBetter not wear your best clothes to this party. Every August the small town of Buñol in Spanish Valencia hosts the world’s biggest, squashiest and best known food fight – La Tomatina. Tens of thousands of revellers roll around in the pulpy tomatoes for which the area is famous, propelling armfuls at anyone within range.La Tomatina started as an innocent food fight between friends in the 1940s – but it quickly spread to city officials and pedestrians, and has been celebrated annually ever sinceRide the world’s biggest waves, TahitiBeginners can sit this once-in-a-lifetime surf experience out. Favoured by the top big-wave surfers, the waves at Teahupo’o reef in Tahiti are among the world’s largest. The deadly reef below only ups the ante.In 2000, the tow-surfing daredevil Laird Hamilton mounted what is considered to be the biggest and most difficult wave ever ridden here, as documented in the film Riding Giants.Glide in a hot-air balloon, CappadociaEvery “things to do before you die” list ever compiled will include taking a hot air balloon ride. But we would take that concept further and insist that you drift over some of the world’s most extraordinary scenery. One such ballooning route is over the surreal fairy chimneys of Cappadocia, in central Turkey. These conical pumice towers mushroom out of a 1,500-square-mile volcanic plateau – and many have been hollowed out to create cave dwellings.Snorkel with orcas, NorwayBetween October and January, shoals of herring swim up Tysfjord in northern Norway, pursued by pods of orcas (killer whales). The whales round up the fish before stunning them with their tails. You can watch these awesome creatures in action from inflatable zodiac boats, then don a dry suit and snorkel to join them in their own habitat.Climb Sydney Harbour Bridge, AustraliaTop off a visit to one of the world’s most beautiful cities with a windswept shinny up unmistakeable Sydney Harbour Bridge. Clamber around the upper arch by way of narrow catwalks and ladders to enjoy 360-degree views of Sydney Harbour, the ocean and the Opera House from a height of 134m. You can even sign up for a night climb, and lap up the sight of Sydney's lights reflected in the harbour; just watch your footing.Try canopying, Costa RicaThere is no better place to live out your Tarzan fantasies than the wildlife-rich Costa Rican rainforest. The ever-more popular sport of canopying – swinging yourself from tree to tree through dense rainforest – is catching on across the American continent. It gives you an unforgettable perspective on the local wildlife: take a canopying ecotour in Rincón de la Vieja national park, for example, and you’ll swing past bemused monkeys and myriad colourful birds. Another canopying hotspot can be found in southern Chile.Stay in an ice hotel, SwedenEach winter, sculptors, artists, architects and designers create a new hotel using ice from the Torne River, 200km north of the Arctic Circle. There are many imitators these days, but this is the original frozen palace.Cosy up on reindeer skins in a fantastical art suite, where the temperature hovers at around -5°C (positively balmy compared with outdoors). And if you’re searching for a novel wedding venue, why not tie the knot in the ice church?See orang-utans in the wild, BorneoAlong the Kinabatangan river in north-eastern Borneo, you can glimpse a plethora of exotic wildlife, including black hornbill birds, troops of proboscis monkeys and, for the eagle-eyed, gangly orang-utans, whose nests sit high in the rainforest canopy. These fascinating creatures are the world’s largest tree-dwelling animals, unique among great apes for their arboreal lifestyle and found only on the islands of Sumatra and Borneo.Population estimates have dropped from 27,000 to 15,000 in the past decade, so for guaranteed sightings, head to the Sepilok Rehabilitation Centre, where around 60 to 80 orang-utans live in a forest reserveCycle the ‘world’s most dangerous road’, BoliviaOnly people with a good sense of balance – and head for heights – need apply for this risky but thrilling mountainside ride. It also helps if you’re untroubled by ever-present reminders of death: countless skeletal bus carcasses line the steep sides of this absurdly narrow, cliff-hugging road near La Paz in Bolivia, which has earned the title of the world’s most dangerous road.But daredevil mountain bikers with an eye for awe-inspiring views find the “Death Road” challenge hard to resist. The 60km mostly dirt road drops through the Andes from an altitude of 4,700m to 1,200m, giving way to lush cloud forest.Ride the trans-Siberian railway across AsiaBefore you leave Moscow, be sure to pack a bottle of vodka and a hefty tome, as you are about to cross the entire Asian landmass by train.You have three options to complete this once-in-a-lifetime trip: Moscow to the eastern port of Vladivostok (9,258km in seven days on the trans-Siberian line); Beijing via Manchuria (8,986km in just over six days on the trans-Manchurian line); or Beijing via the Mongolian steppe and the Gobi desert (7,621km in six days on the Trans-Mongolian line).Eat or sleep underwater, Maldives/Dubai/FijiGet a sense of what life as a goldfish must be like. Try out one of a small but growing number of underwater venues around the world, and gaze trance-like at marine life gliding by the windows.The world’s first underwater restaurant is 5m below sea level at Ithaa, the Maldives – surrounded on all sides by shoals of fish, coral, rays and shark. Small-scale underwater hotels also exist – but the real humdingers are still under construction. A subaquatic palace, Hydropolis Dubai, is meant to open in 2009 and another, Poseidon of Fiji, in 2011.Ride the Cresta Run, St Moritz, SwitzerlandFor three-quarters of a mile of heart-pounding, knee-bashing insanity, lie stomach down, head first on a toboggan and rattle round 10 corners over a 157m drop. The Brits built the first Cresta ice run in 1885, and it’s the undisputed home of head-first, millimetres-from-the-snow so-called skeleton racing. A new natural ice run is created each year.Play elephant polo, NepalA sport in which Scotland are ranked world No 1 and England are the current world champions? Clearly this isn’t football or cricket. No, these are the World Elephant Polo Championships, held each December in southern Nepal.Watch out for those sneaky elephants, though. They’ll do anything to stop their opponents, but the rules clearly state no standing on the ball and no lying in front of the goal. To join in, sign up with the World Elephant Polo Association. In pictures: shopping meccas of the world Wing-walk on a bi-plane, GloucestershireStrap yourself on to the wing of a classic bi-plane and relive the glory days of aviation, looping through the sky with nothing but goggles and leather to shield you from forces of up to 4G and 150mph wind pressure.Wing-walking was particularly popular in 1920s America, and is harder to experience these days thanks to strict regulations. But several places offer the chance to determined daredevils – including RFC Rendcomb Airfield, Gloucestershire.Glide in a hot-air balloon, CappadociaEvery “things to do before you die” list ever compiled will include taking a hot air balloon ride. But we would take that concept further and insist that you drift over some of the world’s most extraordinary scenery. One such ballooning route is over the surreal fairy chimneys of Cappadocia, in central Turkey. These conical pumice towers mushroom out of a 1,500-square-mile volcanic plateau – and many have been hollowed out to create cave dwellingsTrack gorillas in the wild, UgandaPeek through the dense foliage of the tropical cloud forest surrounding the Virunga volcanoes or the Bwindi Impenetrable Forest to encounter families of mountain gorillas. These giants are endangered, with only around 700 remaining in the wild. So finding them is a particularly acute thrill.Tracking permits are limited and time spent with the gorillas is restricted to one hour, making this experience extra special. Look out for the rare set of twins in Bwindi, born in early November last year.Trek the Inca Trail, PeruFollow in the rocky footsteps of the most well-known of all ancient pre-Columbian civilisations, the Inca. This classic hike rollercoasters through the Peruvian Andes from the Sacred Valley to the mountaintop lost city of Machu Picchu, reaching breathless altitudes of 4,200m.Its 45km length is scattered with extraordinary ancient ruins; it passes through awesome mountain scenery and dips down into misty wildlife-rich cloud forest. But the highlight is undoubtedly arriving at Machu Picchu as the sun rises – the only time of day when you can have the magical site all to yourself before the tourist hordes arrive.
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Do what it takes now..today..Stop waiting.....Until your car or home is paid offUntil you get a new car or homeUntil your kids leave the houseUntil you go back to schoolUntil you finish schoolUntil you clean the houseUntil you organize the garageUntil you clean off your deskUntil you lose 10 lbs.Until you gain 10 lbs.Until you get marriedUntil you get a divorceUntil you have kidsUntil the kids go to schoolUntil you retireUntil summerUntil springUntil winterUntil fallUntil you die...There is no better time than right now to be happy.Happiness is a journey, not a destination.So work like you don't need money.Love like you've never been hurt,and, Dance like no one's watching.
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1. Take a 10-30 minutes walk every day. And while you walk, smile.2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.3. Sleep for 7 hours.4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm, and Empathy.5. Play more games.6. Read more books than you did the previous year.7. Make time to practice meditation, yoga, and prayer. They provide us with daily fuel for our busy lives.8. Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.9. Dream more while you are awake.10. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.11. Drink plenty of water.12. Try to make at least three people smile each day.13. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.14. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.15. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.16. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.17. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.18. Smile and laugh more.19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.20. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.21. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.22. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.23. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about. Don't compare your partner with others.24. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.25. Forgive everyone for everything.26. What other people think of you is none of your business.27. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.28. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.29. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.30. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.31. The best is yet to come.32. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.33. Do the right thing!34. Call your family often.35. Your inner most is always happy. So be happy.36. Each day give something good to others.37. Don't over do. Keep your limits.38. Share this with someone you care about
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I pulled out of my driveway heading for my mom's and noticed a katydid on my windshield.
This is rare for the area I live in since it is more city than farm or wooded area. For those of you who do not know what a katydid is, it is similar to a grasshopper. It is green but has a flat body whereas the grasshopper has a round body and is more brown colored.
As I accelerated, I noticed the wind was making his body flutter, but the legs were securely attached to the windshield. I was sure he would lose his battle to the wind, but he kept hanging on, body fluttering in the wind. He did this for a couple of miles.
As I slowed down one time, he tried to re-adjust his footing. He released his grip on the windshield with just one leg and it was all over; he was gone.
The wind is our trials.
The windshield is like the word of God.
When we hold on to our "windshield" securely, we are secure.
When things start to settle down, we often loosen our grip on God's word. We start to rely on our strength and understanding rather than staying in God's word. That's when the trials come back and catch us unprepared and the trials drag us away.
There will definitely be winds, which are targeted at different areas of life, spiritual, marital, in fact all areas of life but the constant faith and trust in the master of the oceans, storms of life and winds will lead you through and place you above all troubles.
If we hold firm to God's word, we will be ready for the trials as they come.
So wipe away your tears, He knows your name; your every moment and He will hear you, just call unto Him. Looking unto Jesus Christ, the author and the finisher of your faith.
You can be a part of evangelism by forwarding this message to others in your address.....God bless you as you do.
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If the good things in life by a person are sought,He’ll discover someday that they cannot be bought.It is in the Lord that these good things are found,For all gifts good and perfect in Him abound.There are millions who hunger for milk and bread,But more by far long to be spiritually fed.Have you tasted the food that no money can buy?Have you drunk from the well that will never run dry?If you truly are seeking a thing more fulfilling,You should turn to the One who to save you is willing.And like the woman at the well you will findThe strength and will to leave your old life behind.For through the lessons that Jesus taught her,She found the True Bread, and the Living Water.So if everything on this earth you have triedAnd by none of these thing have been satisfied,You can taste and see that the Lord is good,and by Him you’ll be fed a more wonderful food.The best things that life has to offer are free,So come to the Fountain — taste, and see.
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How often we must bear the challenges of life;The endless roller coaster between happiness and sorrow;The constant ups and downs of daily strife.And always the question remains .... why?Life is not an easy road for most;It twists and turns with many forks in the road,Although always, and inevitably, we are given a choice ...Do we turn to the right ... or the left?Do we take the high road ... or the low road?Do we take the easy path ... or the difficult one?Decisions are not easy for those struggling for direction ...And sometimes the many choices and signs become overwhelming.While standing at a crossroads in life,The urge is to take the most comfortable path;The road with least resistance ...The shortest or most traveled route.And yet, if we've been down that comfortable road before;Have gleaned its lessons in life, and learned from our experiences;Do we yet again follow the known?Or does our destiny lie in another direction?The fear of the road less traveled is tangible and all too real;It manifests itself in many ways,And tends to cloud the issues that might otherwise be clear.It is in these times of confusion,That we must seek peace and solitude;Time to contemplate on our life,Our experiences and our choices past;Time to look back, and reflect on what we have learnedWithout fear or confusion.For only each of us knows our own personal thoughts;Our unique past and personal history;The experiences that brought us to the crossroads we now face.We can always learn a small degree from others experiences,And yet ... no one person can walk in our shoes,Others know not, the trials and tribulations faced in private ...For each is individual ... unique ... and personal.And that is why ... while standing at a crossroads,Only "we" can formulate the decision for ourselves;The true direction that lies within;The choices we must deliberate on with clarity and wisdom.For it is only through personal reflection,That we can now choose our destiny;... Our next adventure;... And the future we will embrace.
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She looks into air, herself falling rainDripping coldness past, memories old pain.Drops fall, the puddling her damp water-life.Spiraling a mirror, self-lonely strife.A sigh, one frown, crying soft saddened tears.Storms of remember - through bleak yesteryear.Clouds a-whorl, dark sky sheltering fair heart.But how can she joy, while taking no part?Cov'ring cold soul, corona of defense.Defying the stab of her fate's intents.This is madness, she thinks in plaintive cry.I'm here, on the cusp, of lay down and die.What my destiny, but an empty-off dream?A plaything with which gods and angels scheme.Am I doomed then to live, time never-free?Subsumed wholly 'neath life's scattered debris?Is justice, outside this torrential doubt?Perhaps more than sorrow, painful fall-out?Is love, perhaps, just a sliver of sun?Shining through mists, revealing Avalon?Personal paradise, which I can own,Evoking happiness, hither unknown?She raises from streets of lonely no more.Light slicing through darkness, hopes washed ashore.Her withered gait now straightening with pride.She glides like an angel 'cross future's tide.Belief in life renewed, no, only found.Footsteps echoing, a cadence of sound.Caressing the ground, sing the beat of her heart.Into the sun seeking love's brand new start.
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How are we so "different"?If "different" is just a thing.If we all have certain features,What does "different" bring?People filled with hatred,Can't possibly see,That there's not really "differences"Between you and me.Looks can't show "difference",If they're just there to be seen.If you don't look like someone else,Why are they so mean?If being "different" is what is wrong,I'd rather not be right.And I'd want to finish living,Doing the "different" fight.
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When all about you is black with gloom,And all you feel is pending doom.When your bones are racked with grim despair -When every breath is a gasp for air.Keep on going, though you need to grope,For around the bend is a ray of hope.A ray of hope is perhaps all that's left,As your will to live has been bereft.You've lost it all, it's just no use!You can end it all, you need no excuse.But throw away that piece of rope,And give yourself a chance of hope.Just give yourself another day,Brushing aside what your thoughts may say.This is your life and you can make a new start,By ignoring the brain - just follow the heart.Taking baby steps in order to cope,And minute by minute you'll build on your hope.Build on your hope,. one day at a time,Though the road be steep and hard to climb.The hurts of the past - they should be dead.The fears of the future are all in your head.Just live in the present and refuse to mopeYour life will sparkle for you're living in hope.
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A lecturer teaching medicine was giving a classoom observation. He took out a jar of yellow liquid. "This," he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant of color, smell, sight, and taste."After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched in amazement, most in disgust. But beingthe good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped their finger into the jar and put it into their mouths.After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth."
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Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."
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Being a parent changes everything. But being a parent also changes with each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child is different from having your first.Your Clothes1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.---------------Preparing for the Birth1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.---------------The Layette1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?---------------Worries1st baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown-you pick up the baby.2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.---------------Pacifier1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.---------------Diapering1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.2nd baby: You change their diaper every 2 to 3 hours, if needed.3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.---------------Activities1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, BabySwing, and Baby Story Hour.2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.---------------Going Out1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.---------------At Home1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.---------------Swallowing Coins1st child: when first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.2nd child: when 2nd child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for coin to pass.3rd child: when 3rd child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!1
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Deep In the back woods of Tennessee, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I amdoing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.Whoa there, said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor.Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby."No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?
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It might seem that to figure out how to catch a cheating husband one would need the equipment and [man]power of the team on the creepy TV series called Cheaters. Or, one might overestimate the cost or amount of expertise (and preceding study) of a private eye to learn how to catch a cheating husband. But as everyone from the writers of Cosmo articles to individuals who have done the dirty job themselves will tell you, there are relatively manageable strategies to use to discern the truth about your mate.Evidently, cheaters are "easy" to catch, for they leave clues. Your job of determining how to catch a cheating husband, then, is a fairly easy one, provided you1) STAY CALM, and2) GATHER ALL "PROOF" FIRST...BEFORE YOU ACCUSE or IMPUGN. Here are a list of sample clues/pieces of evidence:Phone bills/cell phone bills (even more so if your husband HIDES the bills, or snatches them from the mailbox before you get to see them).New purchases (especially underwear, cologne, or even jewelry or items for gifts for a woman that is not you). That is, if he is a slob and has been for twenty years, and all of a sudden is wearing new undies, is shaving regularly, etc., take note. He might be hinting to you for ways on how to catch a cheating husband (whether he intends for you to catch him or not).Passwords, keys, and other private entry items that used to be shared between the two of you. If you suddenly cannot access his internet activities or email, or if he takes away keys to strong boxes, sheds, cars, or other places you always were privy to, something’s up. A major strategy for how to catch a cheating husband? Try this if it involves passwords on your community pc:[He may THINK he can delete evidence by erasing history and all that. You can go into the bowels of the pc and find his snail trail. But you can also get his passwords—IF he is not as computer-savvy as he thinks he is.]Go online.At the top of the page is what is called the MENU BAR.Click on TOOLS.Then click on OPTIONS.Then click on PASSWORDS.Finally, click on VIEW SAVED PASSWORDS.There you will find a list of both the urls (the www. Or http sites he visits) and the passwords, which are automatically saved unless someone really up on this stuff has fixed the pc to NOT save passwords.In addition, many experts or specialists give advice on how to catch a cheating husband which include1) keeping a written record/diary of his behavior/activities, to see if there is a pattern; 2) checking for receipts; 3) making note of times the phone rings and the calls are hang-ups; 4) checking the mileage on the car; 5) showing up at his workplace; and 6) being unpredictable yourself (returning hime when he thinks you are gone for the weekend, etc.).Remember, though, to keep your wits about you until you have ample proof, and try not turn into a stalker yourself!Thanks 4 reading!! NAME is DON B..............B
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As a private investigator, a lot of people ask me how to find out if their wife is cheating on them. I tell them this – it requires three things: intelligence, dedication, and patience. Before you start to think about how to catch a cheating wife, the intelligence should kick in. Why do you think that your wife is cheating? Has she began to come home later than she said she would? Do you often smell the cologne of another man on her? Have you seen suspicious emails on her computer? It is possible that you are just being paranoid, and that there is no real evidence that your wife is cheating at all. In that case, you shouldn't be asking how to catch a cheating wife, but rather, how to get some psychiatric help.But, let's assume that you do have some reason to believe that your wife is cheating on you. What do you do next? Well, if you confront her, chances are that she will only deny it. The best thing to do is to start gathering evidence. Every expert on how to catch a cheating wife agrees that the more evidence you have, the more successfully you can deal with her infidelity. Fortunately, technology as always is there to provide a solution.To begin with, get a good book on how to catch a cheating wife. It will tell you everything that you need to know about all of the high tech gear available nowadays. I would recommend beginning by installing hidden surveillance cameras in the house. Many of these cameras are very small, and can be installed in a matter of minutes, allowing you to easily put them around the house while she is out getting groceries. Most of the how to catch a cheating wife books agree that this is usually enough, but if you still get no evidence, there are other things that you can do. You can put a password snooper on your computer, and use her password to log into and read her email. You can even go one step farther. It is possible for you to get a GPS tracker for her car. When this is installed, it will tell you everywhere that she goes, making it a cinch to figure out where exactly she is having her affair. Of course, now that you know how to catch a cheating wife you have to ask yourself another question; if she is cheating, do you really want to know?Thanks the Name is DON B.............B
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As a private investigator, a lot of people ask me how to find out if their wife is cheating on them. I tell them this – it requires three things: intelligence, dedication, and patience. Before you start to think about how to catch a cheating wife, the intelligence should kick in. Why do you think that your wife is cheating? Has she began to come home later than she said she would? Do you often smell the cologne of another man on her? Have you seen suspicious emails on her computer? It is possible that you are just being paranoid, and that there is no real evidence that your wife is cheating at all. In that case, you shouldn't be asking how to catch a cheating wife, but rather, how to get some psychiatric help.But, let's assume that you do have some reason to believe that your wife is cheating on you. What do you do next? Well, if you confront her, chances are that she will only deny it. The best thing to do is to start gathering evidence. Every expert on how to catch a cheating wife agrees that the more evidence you have, the more successfully you can deal with her infidelity. Fortunately, technology as always is there to provide a solution.To begin with, get a good book on how to catch a cheating wife. It will tell you everything that you need to know about all of the high tech gear available nowadays. I would recommend beginning by installing hidden surveillance cameras in the house. Many of these cameras are very small, and can be installed in a matter of minutes, allowing you to easily put them around the house while she is out getting groceries. Most of the how to catch a cheating wife books agree that this is usually enough, but if you still get no evidence, there are other things that you can do. You can put a password snooper on your computer, and use her password to log into and read her email. You can even go one step farther. It is possible for you to get a GPS tracker for her car. When this is installed, it will tell you everywhere that she goes, making it a cinch to figure out where exactly she is having her affair. Of course, now that you know how to catch a cheating wife you have to ask yourself another question; if she is cheating, do you really want to know?THANKS The Name is DON B
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I know all the ladies will love this…............ ......... .Never try to outsmart a woman!There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money and was a real miser when it came to his money.Just before he died he said to his wife, "When I die. I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me.I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."And so he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket; his wife was sitting there in black and her friend was sitting next to her.When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!", She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and the rolled it away.So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.""You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!? "I sure did" said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it."*_Women Are Smarter Than Men_*Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away."I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother!*_Understanding Women (A Man's Perspective) _*I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.*_Wife Vs Husband_*A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted toconcede their position.As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?""Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."*_Words_*A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...30,000 to a man's 15,000.The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men.The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"*_Stupid And Beautiful_*A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!*_The Beast_*Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was losing his temper."Be careful," he said to his wife. "You will bring out the beast in me."So what?" his wife shot back. "Who's afraid of a mouse?"*_Coffee_*A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.... "HEBREWS"Best RegardsIbrahim kadiri ............ .....BragadoeDo you know why the Rose that grew from the concrete had damaged petals???On the contrary.... ....We would all celebrate its tenacity and love its WILL to reach the sunWell........ ......We are the Roses!!!!Don't ask me why......... ....Thank GodRemember, if you’re headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns
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