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MEDICAL MIRACLES

Posted by DONHADLEY GIRLAND {WEBYARNER} on February 20, 2009 at 1:16pm

A Japanese man was boasting about how his country had such advanced medical technology. He said, "We take the lungs out of a man, perform an operation, put the lungs back in, and in 4 weeks, the man is looking for work."An Englishman said, "We are far more advanced than you. We can take the heart out of a man, perform surgery and have him ready for work in just 3 weeks."The Irishman says, "That's nothing; we can take a kidney out of a man, put into another man's body and have them looking for work in 2 weeks."The American says, "Well hell, that's nothin'. We had an idiot taken out of Texas, put in the Whitehouse and now half the country is lookin' for work!"

THE HEART OF THE MATTER

Posted by DONHADLEY GIRLAND {WEBYARNER} on February 20, 2009 at 1:12pm

A man who was having heart trouble went to the doctor to see what his options were. Naturally, the doctor recommended a heart transplant. The man reluctantly agreed, and asked if there were any hearts immediately available, considering that money was no object."I do have three hearts," said the doctor. "The first is from an 18-year old kid, non-smoker, athletic, swimmer, with a great diet. He hit his head on the swimming pool and died. It's $100,000. The second is from a marathon runner, 25 years old, great condition, very strong. He got hit by a bus. It's $150,000. The third is from a heavy drinker, cigar smoker, steak lover. It's $500,000.""Hey, why is that heart so expensive? He lived a terrible life!""Yes, but it's from a laywer. It's never been used."

BILL GATES IN HELL

Posted by DONHADLEY GIRLAND {WEBYARNER} on February 20, 2009 at 11:25am

Upon dying, Bill Gates went to purgatory.St. Peter said to his, “Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go".So, Bill takes a look at hell and see's these beautiful women running around, in 80 degree temperature, on beautiful beaches.Then he took a look at heaven and it was nice, you know harps and singing and worship and stuff like that.So he said to St. Peter that he would like to go to hell.About a week later, St. Peter went down to hell to check on Bill. There he saw him, being whipped by demons.He said to St. Peter, “What happened to all the beautifull women, and the beaches and the 80 degree temperature?”Peter replied, “That was just the screen saver"

ROSTER IN HIS DECLINING YEARS

Posted by DONHADLEY GIRLAND {WEBYARNER} on February 20, 2009 at 11:08am

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt. So he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried about being replaced. He walks up to the new bird."So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy."You're on," he said, "and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!"So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead.After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little -- but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella. By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away."Damn. That's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."

erm.......randomness

Posted by jennifer rittner on February 20, 2009 at 11:02am

Get Free Hi5 Glitters
wanna hit me i don't think you should lol!!!!it's just outta boredomno doubtI'm just like wo!!am a teenagerwanna know mewell i don't think soCHECK THIS OUT PEEPZ, BARE JOKES!Money and looks aren't everything.... But itâ€™s all I got!*I wanted to kill the sexiest person alive then I realized....Ohh ya! Suicides a crime!Don't be a guy; the world is full of guys. Be a man.Basically don't stress me, u can't impress me.Roses are red violets are blue,sugar is sweet and so are you.But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,the sugar bowls empty and so is your head.My door is always open, so feel free to leave !You laugh because I'm different I laugh because you're all the same.ALL THESE ARE ~~~~****BITCHY QUOTES~~~~****

WAYS TO TELL A REDNECK IS ON YOUR COMPUTER

Posted by DONHADLEY GIRLAND {WEBYARNER} on February 20, 2009 at 10:55am

1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter."2. The keyboard is camouflaged.3. There is a skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.4. The password is, "bubba."5. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.6. "Winders 95" has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it.7. Outgoing faxes have beerstains on them.8. The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast.9. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.10. The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options.11. Jeff Foxworthy *.wavs.12. The monitor is up on blocks.13. Seven blue tick hounds under the desk.14. Deer jerky in the desk drawer.15. The screen saver consists of pictures of Ned Beatty with Dueling Banjos playing in the background.16. The six front keys have rotted out.17. John Deere Pocket Protectors.

Contemporary Nigerian Cuisine

Posted by Funke on February 20, 2009 at 7:46am

Funke Koleosho's Contemporary Nigerian Cuisine cookbook now available on Amazon Online Booksellers.http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0956148808Order your copy now.

bitch!!!

Posted by jennifer rittner on February 19, 2009 at 11:10am

Get Free Hi5 Glitters
none of you bitches can stop my flow because i trust no nigga and fear no hoe i remain cute and sexy without doubt no matter what am wildin' about i just keep 'em saying ooh please can i give it to you

Get Free Hi5 Glitters

The Anger of A Writer

Posted by Public Sweetheart on February 19, 2009 at 5:54am

But you think I am too scared to talkCan I borrow your voice to speak my words?And if you think that would not reach,Can I borrow your legs to trek to Czech?If that would be too painfulCan you give me wings to fly the sky?But then you think I am too dullCan I borrow your charm to toast the girls?And if you think I am too weakCan I borrow your strength to win the race?And for those who think I am just hideousCan I borrow your beauty just for a while?Of course you think I am a cowardHave you a hammer? Show me the nail.And if you think I cannot strikeWill you stand in for a guinea pig?And now you say I am just poorHow much can you lend that I’ll live upon?Can you borrow me some food,Water,Salt,Rice?Can you just borrow me your life, Fool?Well, let all man be themselves!

Stunned By Some Funny Names?

Posted by Public Sweetheart on February 19, 2009 at 5:46am

We just finished cooking Rice when Condolesa came inShe asked after George but we said he was in the Bush.She went so mad seeing Nicholas locked in the CageBut we made her understand that a vicious Tiger lurks in the Wood.

blah blah all about myself

Posted by jennifer rittner on February 18, 2009 at 10:30pm

am a cute girl erm.... dunno wat 2 say lets enjoy more of memy laptop trez importantmy lip gloss my heromy room my privacymy popsy and mumsy ma padiez cant live without 'emi love looking for troublefrom caleb international school lekki full of 'em razz dudezloves chocolatebrushes down golden brown and blackdo not disrespect merespect mei miss my sisteri want chicken jovery nice but sometimes meanook you are the sugar in ma cocothe butter in my breadthe roach in ma cupboard

WHY COFFEE IS BETTER THAN WOMEN

Posted by DONHADLEY GIRLAND {WEBYARNER} on February 17, 2009 at 3:01pm

You don't have to put cream in your coffee to make it taste good.Coffee doesn't complain when you put whipped cream in it.A cup of coffee looks good in the morning.You won't fall asleep after a cup of coffee.You can always warm coffee up.Coffee comes with endless refills.Coffee is cheaper.You won't get arrested for ordering coffee at 3 AM.Coffee never runs out.Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.You can make coffee as sweet as you want.You can smoke while drinking coffee.You can put out a cigarette in a cup of coffee.Coffee smells and tastes good.You don't have to put vinegar in your coffee.If your coffee pot leaks, you can use a regular paper towel.You can always get fresh coffee.You can turn the pot on, leave the room, and it'll be hot when you get back.They sell coffee at police stations.You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee.Coffee goes down easier.If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn't put on weight.No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.A big cup or small cup? It doesn't matter.Your coffee doesn't talk to you.Coffee smells good in the morning.Coffee is good when it's cold too.Coffee stains are easier to remove.Coffee doesn't care when you dunk things in it.Coffee doesn't care what kind of mood you're in.Coffee doesn't shed.Coffee is ready in 15 minutes or less.You can't get a cup of coffee pregnant by putting cream in it.Coffee doesn't mind being ground.No matter how bad coffee is, you can always make it better.Coffee doesn't have a time of the month... it's good all the time.When coffee gets old, you can throw it away.When you have a coffee, you don't end up with a pube in the back of your throat.Coffee doesn't take up half your bed.Coffee doesn't mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to have a cup.INSTANT COFFEE!You can have an intelligent conversation with coffee.It can take up to 2 weeks for coffee to grow mold.Your coffee won't be jealous of a larger cup.

SOLITARY CONFINEMENT WOES

Posted by DONHADLEY GIRLAND {WEBYARNER} on February 17, 2009 at 1:18pm

Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they're all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement.They're each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them. The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes.At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy's cell. He comes out and says, "I studied so hard. I'm so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific."They open up the second guy's door. He comes out with his wife, and they've got five new kids. He says. "It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiful new family. I love it."They open up the third guy's door, and he's slapping at his pockets, going "Anybody got a match?"

WHY AM SO TIRED

Posted by DONHADLEY GIRLAND {WEBYARNER} on February 17, 2009 at 11:13am

For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. Now I found out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked.The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work.Of this, there are 29 million employed by the federal government.This leaves 19 million to do the work.Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.You and me . . . and you're sitting there chating on 9jabook.

ACCOUNTANTS AND ENGINEERS ON A TRAIN

Posted by DONHADLEY GIRLAND {WEBYARNER} on February 17, 2009 at 10:57am

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket."How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all). When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

ELVIS VS JESUS

Posted by DONHADLEY GIRLAND {WEBYARNER} on February 17, 2009 at 10:22am

JESUS is the Lord's shepherd. ELVIS dated Cybill Shepherd.JESUS was a carpenter. ELVIS' favorite high school class was wood shop.JESUS was part of the Trinity. ELVIS' very first band was a trio.JESUS' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members. ELVIS' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.JESUS is a Capricorn. (December 25) ELVIS is a Capricorn. (January 8)JESUS was the lamb of God. ELVIS had mutton chop sideburns.JESUS' Father is everywhere. ELVIS' father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit.JESUS said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink." (John 7:37) ELVIS said, "Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM:1957)JESUS fasted for 40 days and nights. ELVIS had irregular eating habits. (eg: 5 banana splits for breakfast)JESUS said: "Man shall not live by bread alone." ELVIS liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas."[JESUS'] countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow." (Matthew 28:3) ELVIS wore snow-white jumpsuits with lightning bolts.JESUS said: "Love thy neighbor." (Matthew 22:39) ELVIS said: "Don't be cruel." (RCA 1956)JESUS walked on water. (Matthew 14:25) ELVIS surfed on water. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount:1965)JESUS H. CHRIST has 12 letters. ELVIS PRESLEY has 12 letters.JESUS had his famous Resurrection. ELVIS had the famous 1968 "comeback" TV special.JESUS lived in a state of grace, in a Near Eastern land. ELVIS lived in Graceland, in a nearly eastern state.

CLINTON VS TITANIC

Posted by DONHADLEY GIRLAND {WEBYARNER} on February 17, 2009 at 10:18am

Similarities between the Titanic video and the Clinton grand jury testimony video:Titanic: $9.99 on the InternetClinton: $9.99 on the InternetTitanic: over 3 hours longClinton: over 3 hours longTitanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, a subsequent catastropheClinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, a subsequent catastropheTitanic: villain - White Star LineClinton: villain - Ken StarrTitanic: Jack is a starving artistClinton: Bill is a B.S. artistTitanic: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigarClinton: Ditto for BillTitanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruinedClinton: Ditto for MonicaTitanic: Jack teaches Rose to spitClinton: Let's not go thereTitanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelryClinton: Monica forced to return her giftsTitanic: Behind the scenes, Leonardo DiCaprio is wildly popularClinton: Behind the scenes, Bill has a 70% approval ratingTitanic: Jack surrenders to an icy deathClinton: Bill goes home to Hillary

THE INTERNET IS JUST LIKE SEX

Posted by DONHADLEY GIRLAND {WEBYARNER} on February 17, 2009 at 10:12am

* It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.* In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.* It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.* It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark.*Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late.* If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.* It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.* We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.* If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.* It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself 'why on earth did I do that?'* Some folks have it, some don't.* Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong.* Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it.* Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.

LOVE

Posted by kayode on February 17, 2009 at 9:38am

Why does one love?Is it to find an escape from the pains of loneliness orIs it to feel the warmth of fulfillment that it brings to one"s heart?To me, love is the essential of all being.One cannot exist without the love of another.To live for another makes a life complete in every way.Each beat of one"s heart, each breath, each small thought signifies aSmall part of a love that is shared with another.Who does one love?Are two people destined to come together orIs it by chance alone?Only one"s heart can tell when love has come.It can feel the longing desire from it"s deepest point andIt can feel the overpowering attraction when they are close.One loves whom his heart has chosen andMy heart has chosen you.When does one love?Does one share their love in the soft mist of the early morning orIn the crisp breeze of the darkening night?Those that are truly in love know no night or day, no dark or light.Love is a continuous thing.My love for you continues to grow throughout every second of time.Why, Who, When, they all tie together,For my love covers each of these.Why, because you are what I have dreamed about.Who, my heart tells me that you are the one I"ve been searching for.When, now and throughout eternity.My love for you shall never cease to existFor there is no end to true love.

DO THIS TO LOVE

Posted by kayode on February 16, 2009 at 9:38am

THERE ARE TEN OF DEMONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.THREE. Don"t believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.FOUR. When you say, "I love you," mean it.FIVE. When you say, "I"m sorry," look the person in the eye.SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone"s dreams. People who don"t have dreams don"t have much.NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it"s the only way to live life completely.TEN.. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

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