A new pan African styled reality show to be hosted by the first ever black Miss World and Face of L'Oreal Agbani Darego titled Stylogenic is set to debut on TV.

Shedding light on the concept of the programme at the launch in Lagos recently, Ms. Darego said "Firstly, I must say that the show is quite unique, in the sense that unlike other reality TV shows, it won't be focused on a particular individual, or one aspect of fashion. It's going to be focused on the whole aspects of fashion. In essence, it will be focused on a group of people involved in fashion such as the designer, the model, the make-up artist, the stylist, the hair stylist and the photographer. What this means is that at the end of every edition when there is an eviction, not one person will be evicted, but the whole team."

A sense of style

She also explained that Stylogenic "is trying to portray a sense of style that everyone has," she said. "For example, in Nigeria there are so many ethnic groups, and each one of them has its own different attire; that's stylish, that is being fashionable; that's style, and that's what we are trying to promote. Everyone has a sense of style that they are proud of, and we are not trying to change it."..

The model, who has been busy studying for a Psychology degree at the New York University, said she won't try to force her sense of style on any of the contestants because "The show is about people being aware of style. My own preferences or choice of style is quite different from that of everyone, because we are all different types of people."

Style teams

Speaking further, she added that the contestants will comprise of a team of six people, and there are going to be several teams while the show will be broadcast with a total of 13 episodes.

Quite unlike most shows which are based on the search for a top model or designer or stylist, Stylogenic will revolve around the concept of a style team. Begining immediately after the 2010 World Cup in South Africa, entries for contestants will open to all Africans with casting calls held in Lagos, Johannesburg, Nairobi, London and New York.

Each team will be competing against one another for mouth-watering prizes, which include a showing at Fashion and Design Weeks in London and Cape Town, said Solomon Ikhioda, Head, Sponsorship, Insight Communications Ltd, one of the show's executive co-producers.

A notorious South African white supremacist leader was killed Saturday by his employees, police said, in an apparent dispute over wages.

Eugene Terreblanche, 69, was the leader of the neo-Nazi Afrikaner Weerstandsbeweging (Afrikaner Resistance Movement, or AWB).

He was bludgeoned and stabbed to death on his farm with clubs and a machete, police said. Two of his farm workers ages 21 and 16 turned themselves in to authorities in connection with the killing.

The suspects will appear in court Tuesday, police said.

The AWB urged its members and supporters to be calm as they mourn their leader.

South African President Jacob Zuma also appealed for calm after news of the killing broke, according to the country’s national news agency, SAPA.

Terreblanche’s death comes amid a time of racial polarization in the country. A South African court last month banned the playing of a political song called “Kill the Boer,” most recently sung by radical youth leader Julius Malema. The apartheid-era song’s lyrics translate to “kill the farmer.”

South African civil rights group AfriForum condemned the killing and also called for calm in a statement on its Web site.

“These events are a call to all South Africans to come to their senses and to be aware of the extremely polarized and violent circumstances presently prevalent in the country,” the statement said.

The group also said that “all communities — white, as well as black — should refrain from reckless statements and from romanticizing violence.”

Terreblanche’s AWB is best known for trying to block South Africa’s effort to end apartheid. The group used terrorist tactics in a bid to stall the country’s first all-race vote in 1994, killing more than 20 people in a wave of bombings on the eve of the elections.

Terreblanche was convicted of the 1996 attempted murder of Paul Motshabi, a black man who worked as a security guard on Terreblanche’s farm. He served about two-thirds of a five-year sentence.

He also was convicted of setting his dog on a black man in an earlier incident..

UN's Ban Ki-Moon calls Aral Sea 'shocking disaster'

NUKUS, Uzbekistan – The drying up of the Aral Sea is one of the planet's most shocking environmental disasters, U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon said Sunday as he urged Central Asian leaders to step up efforts to solve the problem.

Once the world's fourth-largest lake, the sea has shrunk by 90 percent since the rivers that feed it were largely diverted in a Soviet project to boost cotton production in the arid region.

The shrunken sea has ruined the once-robust fishing economy and left fishing trawlers stranded in sandy wastelands, leaning over as if they dropped from the air. The sea's evaporation has left layers of highly salted sand, which winds can carry as far away as Scandinavia and Japan, and which plague local people with health troubles.

Ban toured the sea by helicopter as part of a visit to the five countries of former Soviet Central Asia. His trip included a touchdown in Muynak, Uzbekistan, a town once on the shore where a pier stretches eerily over gray desert and camels stand near the hulks of stranded ships.

"On the pier, I wasn't seeing anything, I could see only a graveyard of ships," Ban told reporters after arriving in Nukus, the nearest sizable city and capital of the autonomous Karakalpak region.

"It is clearly one of the worst disasters, environmental disasters of the world. I was so shocked," he said.

The Aral Sea catastrophe is one of Ban's top concerns on his six-day trip through the region and he is calling on the countries' leaders to set aside rivalries to cooperate on repairing some of the damage.

"I urge all the leaders ... to sit down together and try to find the solutions," he said, promising United Nations support.

However, cooperation is hampered by disagreements over who has rights to scarce water and how it should be used.

In a presentation to Ban before his flyover, Uzbek officials complained that dam projects in Tajikistan will severely reduce the amount of water flowing into Uzbekistan. Impoverished Tajikistan sees the hydroelectric projects as potential key revenue earners.

Competition for water could become increasingly heated as global warming and rising populations further reduce the amount of water available per capita.

Water problems also could brew further dissatisfaction among civilians already troubled by poverty and repressive governments; some observers fear that could feed growing Islamist sentiment in the region.

Ban also is taking on the region's frequently poor human rights conditions.

That is likely to be an especially tense issue when he meets Monday with Uzbek President Islam Karimov, who has led the country since the 1991 Soviet collapse and imposed severe pressure on opposition and civil rights activists.

The meeting comes less than two weeks after the U.N. Human Rights Committee issued a report criticizing Uzbekistan, including calling for fuller investigation of the brutal suppression of a 2005 uprising in the city of Andijan. Opposition and rights groups claim that hundreds were killed, but authorities insist the reports are exaggerated and angrily reject any criticism.

WE STILL CAN'T GET OVER HOW MUCH WEIGHT JENNIFER HUDSON LOST . . . SHE WENT FROM A SIZE 14 TO A SIZE 4 IN 6 MONTHS!!!(BEFORE AND AFTER PICS INSIDE)

It was just like any other weekend at Zango, a suburb in Ilorin Kwara State, where Mrs Iyabode Olorunnisola, a renowned broadcaster at the NTA, Ilorin, lives.

Iyabo, as fondly called by her colleagues, is seven months pregnant and was just seeing off a church member- a friend and a nurse who visited her to the main road when it happened.

As Iyabo told Saturday Vanguard, the incident was an admixture of a miracle and reality. It sounds like James Bond films-touchy, gripping, patently emotional. The NTA reporter wants the story told so that mothers all over the world can learn to care for their children by giving them closer attention, “Nothing is too much for them because the children are our tomorrow”, she enthused

“I was inside the living room on the faithful day around 5pm or thereabout, with my nurse friend who had earlier called me that she was paying me a visit. We were actually discussing about my state, church matters and other related issues when I overheard my house maid, Aminat,” shouting at my four years old daughter to stay away from the well.

“Some minutes later, my guest left and I had to see her off to the main road, just a stone throw to our residence to board a taxi. She actually asked me to

PHOTO:Mother & Daughter before Incident

go back home because of my condition because I wanted to wait till she

boarded a taxi. To my dismay, when I got home, Aminat was just pointing at the well, shaking, and crying that my daughter, Bola had fallen into the well. I couldn’t believe it. I peeped into the well and I found my daughter gasping for breath inside the well.”

“Bola, since we gave birth to her, has been a very active baby .There was a day she went to visit my mother. While playing running around, she fell into a hot coal pot, and came out with burns all over her body. The scars are still there till today. She was said to be doing this ’’Boju-Boju’’, child play whereby children will cover their face and be running around, hide and seek games. Since her elderly ones were not at home, my daughter covered her face with a bucket running around the compound. I just wonder. she didn’t know the time she got to the brink of the well, and somersaulted inside. My brother, I couldn’t control myself seeing my daughter dying inside the well as she was gasping for breadth. Watching the pains she was going through was too much for me. Honestly, I didn’t know the time I jumped inside the well.”

“You could have died, not only with the baby but also with Bola you wanted to rescue,” she was told.

“May you never be in such situation. No mother would watch her child dying and would be thinking the way you are thinking. At that time, the fear of death didn’t come to my mind. All I wanted was to rescue my daughter with all my life. Any good mother will tell you this. So, I jumped into the well and with my seven months old pregnancy, I landed on Bola’s head inside the well, and together we went down, down at the bottom of the well.You know she summersaulted with the plastic bucket she was playing with, into the well.

That bucket, by divine arrangement, saved her skull from hitting the brick while she fell into the well. You know, as a journalist, you are supposed to know basic things about everything. So, in the process of my covering various assignments, I have heard a lot about one or two therapies about swimming. My brother, those things, I didn’t know when they came to my mind. I didn’t also know where the strength came from. Down, under the

water, I used my two legs already swollen up even before I jumped into the well, to bring Bola up to the water level, using my back and the two elbows to climb up the well. The clothes I had on was torn to shreds in the process, and there were bruises all over my back and elbow as a result of the injuries I sustained while bringing her up to the water level.

“While both of us were at the water level, I balanced myself with her on my two knees. Bola was already gone. So I started beating her, all over her body, slapping her mouth, and blowing air into her mouth, nose and ear. I did that intermittently with all the strength I had and slapped her severally. Honestly, I didn’t know where all those therapies came from but I must have learnt them from somewhere, sometimes.

“About 15 minutes later, my daughter started making sounds. So, I intensified the therapies. Eventually, she shouted aloud and it was then I knew where I was.At that point, I was now left with the problem of how two of us will get out of the well. I know there is God; that He exists. But this experience further strengthened my belief that there is God. If not God, the three of us would have possibly died inside the well because I didn’t mind. The agony was too much for me to bear.

“By now, people had already gathered at the mouth of the well. My friend who was waiting for taxi was called by my house girl, who in turn called two young boys walking away to come and rescue us from the well. They looked for ladder but the ladder couldn’t enter the well because of the position of two of us. By now, I didn’t have any strength in me again. So, I couldn’t climb up, talk less of coming up with my daughter. So, it was a big task, as frantic efforts were being made to bring us out of the well. Eventually, the ladder was suspended halfway and my daughter who by now had been terribly weak, struggled to climb out through the encouragements of the sympathizers.

“It was two hefty men that came into the well to bring me out. I thank God Almighty for his mercies! Immediately, I asked them to take us to our hospital. By now, it was going to around 6.30-7pm. All this while, my husband didn’t know anything. He was at work in his office. When he got home, he saw traces of slippers flung around, and everywhere looked much unkempt. He was actually scolding my house girl to tidy up the compound before my arrival.PHOTO:THE ILL FATED WELL

Could you believe that my house girl didn’t tell my husband what happened until I phoned him around 8pm that he should come and meet us at the hospital. We were there for two weeks. To the glory of the Almighty God, my pregnancy was certified okay, same with my health and that of my daughter. We later went to church for a thanksgiving.

“It’s a lesson to all mothers. We should give closer attention to our children, and be prayerful too. No matter what, I always have time for closer attention for my children. For instance, I always find time to take my children to and from school everyday, and when I know it’s not possible, I make good arrangement for them to stay with somebody who will look after them till I return.

I was dismayed when I read that Nigeria is offering to lease farmland to Gulf countries seeking food security and will allow investors to export all of their produce. Gulf Arab countries reliant on food imports have intensified efforts over the last year to buy land in developing nations ranging from Pakistan to the Sudan and Ethiopia.

"Nigeria has the terrain to provide 100 percent of the Gulf's food needs," Enbong Jimie Idiong, chief executive of Global Corp Ltd, told Reuters in an interview.

In what the Financial Times, has termed “rapacious”, rich nations are trotting the globe buying up the natural resources of poor countries. Foreign investors have acquired some 15-20 million hectares of farmland in poorer countries since 2006, according to the International Food Policy Research Institute.

There are more than 100 similar land-grabs globally, since September 2008, where huge tracts of farmland are bought up by wealthy countries as well international corporations.

The Gulf States are in the lead in this new investment. Bahrain, Saudi Arabia, Kuwait,Oman, Qatar, controlling between them 45% of the world’s oil, are snatching AGRICULTURAL LAND in Egypt, Ethiopia, Cameroon, Zambia, Uganda, but also in Cambodia, Brazil, Kazakhstan, Ukraine and Russia.

South Korea has grabbed a staggering 960,000 hectares in Sudan, the largest country in Africa, where at least 6 other rich countries are said to have secured large land-holding – and precisely where the local population are among the hungriest and least secure in the world.

The Saudis are negotiating 500,000 hectares (not acres) in Tanzania. Companies for the United Arab Emirates have snapped up 324,000 hectares inPakistan. Highly populated countries like China, South Korea and India have acquired swathes of African farmland to produce food for export.

India recently lowered tariffs for Ethiopian commodities that could enter India after the Indian government lent money to 80 Indian companies to buy 350,000 hectares of farmland in Africa, particularly huge tracts in Kenya, Mozambique and Ethiopia.

Mr Philippe Heilberg, a US businessman, has laid claim to 4,000 sq km of fertile territory in a deal with the family of a notorious warlord in south Sudan where Land is not in short supply.

More than a century ago, Cecil Rhodes extracted mineral rights from King Lobengula of the Ndebele and used these to push the frontiers of theBritish Empire beyond the Limpopo River. Some 120 years later, Zimbabwe is still struggling to overcome a legacy of unequal land distribution.

Mr Heilberg, a former Wall Street banker may be no Rhodes – his recent forays into Africa have yet to bear much fruit and include an acrimonious dispute over claims to an oil concession in south Sudan.

His latest venture does, though, have a decidedly 19th-century flavour to it. With the Arabs, UAE and China, he is buying up huge tracts of land in Sudan while the Sudanese are foolishly fighting over Darfur and now selling off their lands in addition.

The European Union would soon cut off the unsustainable farm subsidies. President Barack Obama also proposes to cut off massive funding to unsustainable subsidies to American farmers.

The result would be a huge demand for foodstuff in the future. The Sudanese, Nigerians and other poor countries that theink they make wise investments today by mortgaging their farmlands would quickly realise that they have short-changed themselves.

They would simply discover that a God-given resource that would constitute a strong bargaining chip has been taken out of their hands of forever.

What is Nigeria’s justification for selling their birthrights for a pot of porridge?

Nigeria has around 71.2 million hectares of farmland, of which less that 50 percent is being used, according to data from Global Corp Ltd.

"We need investment to fully utilize this land and we will allow the investors to export back 100 percent of the crop and this will create employment opportunities for people in Nigeria," said Idiong, a consultant with Global Corp.

The land could be leased for up to 30 to 40 years at a cost of around $10,000 per hectare for that period, he said..

"Because of the large size of land we can offer investors as much as they want, and there is no particular kind of crop that can't be grown in Nigeria."

But writing on ‘Re-Colonization of Africa through Buying Agricultural Land: Wealthy Nations and Their Multinationals on the Rampage’, Akinyi Princess of K’Orinda-Yimbo wrote:

“Africans are being colonised again and this time not with the power of weapons but through Africans themselves selling their continent willingly. The 99- and 999-year lease – a remnant of colonialists – surely cannot fool anybody. This is equivalent to a full century and/or full millennium which translates into three and a half to thirty-four consecutive generations of Africans”.

He continued: “Africans are selling the one natural resource they can’t afford to sell – their land. Especially arable land... The new colonialism is vast in Africa, with the buyers being wealthy countries unable to grow their own food. The Arabs are back fleeing their barren sands to turn Africa into their granary like they did one and a half millennia ago (in Egypt at the time).”

In the upcoming decades, several global developments will create new challenges for mankind. We will be confronted with problems and obstacles such as climate change, population growth beyond earth's capacity, and an increase in demand for energy and water caused by a striving for prosperity and expansion.

Africans should start thinking of themselves as worthwhile human beings too, plan for tomorrow and join forces to keep what is theirs theirs.

"Otherwise Africans might as well follow the butcher meekly to the slaughter house because that’s where they’re going to end up – in “native reserves” dying off as a people until the few Africans left are put in museums like they were once the main attraction in circuses all over the West in the 18th through early 20th centuries".

Daniel Elombah

Another senator from Gombe State, Senator Kawu Peto Dukku is dead. He was aged 52.

Dukku who represented Gombe North in the Senate died on Friday in Kaduna where he had gone to join his family for the one week Easter break declared by the Senate.

Dukku’s death is coming barely two days after Senator Tawa Wada who represented Gombe South passed on Wednesday at the National Hospital, Abuja.

With the death of the two lawmakers in the same week, Gombe now has only two representatives in the Senate..

Both senators participated in the screening of the new ministers who were cleared on Thursday.

Confirming Dukku’s dead, Senator Ayogu Eze, Chairman Senate committee on Information and Media in a statement today (Saturday) said the Senate would miss him for his humility and calmness in the Senate.

The statement reads’ "We announce with sadness the sudden death of our dear colleague, Senator. Kawu Peto Dukku, who until his death on Friday April 2, 2010 represented Gombe North in the Senate. He died in Kaduna where he had gone to join his family for the one-week Easter break of the Senate. We will miss his humility and calmness. May his soul rest in peace."

Dukku who was elected into the Senate in June 2007 on the platform of the ruling Peoples Democratic Party (PDP) was also the Speaker of Gombe State House of Assembly from 2003 to 2007.

He was until his death the Vice Chairman Senate Committee on States and Local Government Affairs.

Governor Isa Yuguda presently finds his administration on the verge of unraveling amidst an overbearing litany of blind corruption and fermented greed via the hands of top officials of the Yuguda administration. Documentary evidence reveals the level of money laundering activities at the government house as grand scale.

What strikes as marveling is the sum of N3.8billion found in the bank account belonging to the commissioner of housing and environment in the person of Lele Raja who died recently of a heart attack at his home. Another marvel is the sum of N2.5billion discovered in the bank account belonging to the special assistant to the governor on projects. Of which, aggrieved officials within the government tell our correspondent that the monies found in the private bank accounts Governor Yuguda’s aides belong to the governor. Their claim is that the aides are holding the siphoned monies in care for the governor.

Cursory inspection into the Bauchi State financial transactions confirms the allegations as levied by the aggrieved officials within the Bauchi State governing circle. The illegal operation of the State Bank accounts by the Yuguda boys may have been the source of the said monies.

Particular attention is given to three accounts managed by the State - the one operated as the main government’s account with account number 230430000642501, the one belonging to the State’s Sub-treasury with account number 213430000532701, and another belonging to the office of the Secretary to the State Government [SSG] with account number 213430000677001.

Interestingly, the three accounts are domiciled in FIN Bank where Governor Isa Yuguda was formerly, the Managing Director. And the balance sheet for the three accounts for the period covering September 2008 to February 2009 reveals a jolting level of unprecedented corruption and financial crimes. The bank account statement for the State’s main account showed that within the three months of November 2008 to January 2009, FIN bank disbursed loans totaling N39.18billion in seven separate applications and disbursements – as tabulated in Table 1 below. This is in addition to a miscellaneous deposit of N500million on December 15, 2008 under the caption “AMT CREDITED FROM A/C CAP DEV PROJ” and sixteen major deposits made into the account amounting to N2.667billion – each under the caption “BY INSTRUMENT … CLEARING DAY”.

Table 1: Loan disbursements to Yuguda administration

To the informed in Bauchi State, the loan transactions suggest that the Bank and Isa Yuguda were collaborating in the looting of the State. It is recalled that Governor Yuguda who was the MD of Inland Bank before it morphed to FIN bank, unilaterally ordered the transfer of the State’s main account from Guaranteed Trust Bank to FIN bank, a day following his swearing-in as the governor of Bauchi State. His finance commissioner and secretary to the state government were immediately sourced from the bank.

However the graver financial crime may have been committed in the manner the Yuguda boys made huge and questionable withdrawals from the three accounts of the government. According to the account balance sheets, the Yuguda boys used Mohammed Yakubu, Abubakar Adamu, Yusuf Abdu and Adamu Yame as couriers to make the colossal withdrawals.

From the balance sheets which are in the possession of ukpakareports.com, the Yuguda administration made withdrawals totaling N9.1billion in cash within a span of six months. What strikes as puzzling is the frequency of the withdrawals. Below in Table 2 is a tabulation of some of the “cash” withdrawals from the sub-treasury account and the SSG account. It shows that the Yuguda boys made staggering cash withdrawals from the sub-treasury account. On February 12, 2009, they made three cash withdrawals totaling N921.2million [N921,166,200], on September 4, 2008, they made six cash withdrawals totaling N149,475,683, on September 5, 2008, they made ten cash withdrawals totalingN159,577,827. They also made cash withdrawals from the SSG accounts. They made three cash withdrawals totaling N88,483,365.

Table 2: Highlight of Daily Cash withdrawals

As a result of Isa Yuguda and his boy’s excesses, Bauchi State main accounts are currently in the red. The State has long gone bankrupt. The Economic and Financial Crimes Commission [EFCC] were made aware of the rot in Bauchi State government on March 16, 2009 via a petition submitted to the EFCC. But the EFCC till date remain sedated to the financial crimes in Bauchi State. .

All 95 passengers on board an Arik Air aircraft headed en route Abuja from Calabar, yesterday, found themselves in a mad rush as they scrambled to get off the aircraft when a car crashed into the plane shortly before takeoff at the Margaret Ekpo International Airport in Calabar.

A rickety salon car, painted blue and white, the official colour pattern of registered taxis in Calabar, ran into the aircraft just as the aircraft doors were being shut, a passenger said.

A man, who claimed that he is Jesus Christ, emerged from the car after the collision and declared that he had made the desperate move to save the aircraft from an impending crash.

The man, who carried a huge bible and a huge cross, said he was trying to save the aircraft, a Boeing 737 700, and the passengers departing Calabar for Abuja. The man was promptly arrested by airport officials.

Shakened passengers who scrambled out of the plane after an announcement by the captain, were asked to wait for another aircraft which would ferry them to their destination.

"We were strapping in, they were about to shut the door when we heard a loud bang. And then the captain said ‘everybody rush out', so we all rushed out," a lady who was on board the flight with her baby, said. The passengers, who were scheduled to depart by 2.30pm, finally left around 5.30 pm after the airline provided an alternative aircraft.

Arik blames FAAN

The spokesman of the airline, Ola Adebanji, speaking , confirmed the incident but said that the airline was not to blame for the accident.

"I can confirm to you that a taxi ran into our Boeing 737 700 aircraft, an Abuja-bound flight. Arik is not in charge of security at the airport. All the airports belong to FAAN and they are in charge of security at the airports," Mr. Adebanji said yesterday.

Mr. Adebanji asked all questions on the security of the Margeret Ekpo International Airport, Calabar to the Federal Airports Authority of Nigeria (FAAN).

"You can ask FAAN and airport authorities how the taxi beat airport authorities. We don't provide security at the airports," he said.

The frightened passengers re-boarded the new aircraft provided by the airline, but questioned the seriousness of the airport security officials.

"How the taxi managed to get to the aircraft is what baffles me," a frantic passenger, who gave her name as Candi, said in a telephone interview with NEXT.

FAAN's response

The General Manager for Public Affairs in FAAN, Akin Olukunle, confirmed the incident but denied that there were passengers on board the aircraft.

"Nobody was on board the flight. The passengers were yet to board because the aircraft was just arriving from Lagos," Mr. Olukunle claimed. His claim was debunked by the Arik Air spokesman.

"The passengers were on board. In fact, we were about to shut the doors," Mr. Adebanji of Arik said.

The FAAN spokesman further said that the airport authorities could not deter the taxi driver because he was on top speed and crashed through their barriers..

"The guy was running. He was driving an Audi car. He just slammed into the first and second barriers that were guarded by air force officials. He was on top speed," Mr. Olukunle said.

Mr. Olukunle said he would not blame anyone for the accident, but that the police was now investigating the matter.

"The Air Force men arrested the man and the police is now working with them to investigate the matter," he said.

Kick off: 7.45pm.

CORRECTION: FOUR SPURIOUS OMENS BECOME THREE! I've just realised (2) happened in 2006, and Henry only left Arsenal in 2007. My. How time flies when your brain is slowly dying.

After much dull speculation - sorry - Cesc Fabregas is passed fit! Almunia, Sagna, Gallas, Vermaelen, Clichy, Fabregas, Song, Diaby, Nasri, Bendtner, Arshavin.
Subs: Fabianski, Rosicky, Eduardo, Walcott, Denilson, Eboue, Campbell.

No Andres Iniesta for Barca, and Henry's only on the bench. Valdes, Dani Alves, Pique, Puyol, Maxwell, Messi, Keita, Busquets, Xavi, Pedro, Ibrahimovic.
Subs: Pinto, Marquez, Bojan, Henry, Milito, Toure Yaya, Jeffren.

Referee: Massimo Busacca (Switzerland).

Missing the next match if they're booked: Fabregas and Gael Clichy are treading a fine line for Arsenal, while needing to watch out in Barcelona shirts are Gerard Pique and Carles Puyol. Hmm, Fabregas and Puyol aren't setting much in the way of captain's examples, are they? But if the top players really must get themselves idiotically suspended for the next leg, then let's see some proper old-school haymaker throwing, please, no half measures.

Ersatz sub-Ronaldo teamsheet drama: Fabregas may yet not start! He's got special dispensation to drop to the bench, and loll on it, if his warm-up doesn't go well. CHRIST ALMIGHTY. Either he's fit or he's not. Does everything have to be such a drama these days?

Poor man's pre 1998 World Cup final carry-on: After all that, Fabregas starts. BLASPHEME BLASPHEME BLASPHEME. Now, can we just get on with it, please?

Click, clack, click, clack, click, clack, click, clack, clickity, clackity, click, clack, clack. The teams walk out onto the pitch. It won't be long, it won't be long.

Tippy, tappy, passy, passy. So, any chance you're running an illicit book on (a) possession percentages or (b) how long before the ITV commentator sees football so beautiful he starts humping his monitor?" asks Niall Caldwell. "A fiver on 57% for Barça and 14 minutes respectively." I'd go for 87% Barcelona and 0.0000000043234 seconds, were I running such a book, which I'm not. You've also forgotten to ask how long it'll take before said ITV mouthpiece starts banging on about Brazil 70-style football despite only witnessing a few simple passes being strung together.

And we're off! Arshavin immediately attempts to make things happen down the left, but his cross is too deep. Barcelona romp upfield and win a corner, just because they can. From it, sent in from the right, Busquets is found free in the centre, eight yards out. His sidefoot towards the bottom-left corner looks like creeping in, but is fingertipped away brilliantly by Almunia. That, ladies and gentlemen, is a start.

3 min: Barcelona are on the front foot. A lot of ball enjoyed by Keita, Busquets and Alves. Eventually Arsenal try to pass their way out of bother - only for Arshavin to immediately give it away to Xavi. Luckily for Arsenal the pass forward towards Ibrahimovic is heavy and bounces out of play. "All of this talk about Fabregas would lead me to make the dangerous assumption that Arsenal are just a one-man team," writes Peter Anthony Corway. "So it's not just Manchester United who have that problem then."

5 min: This is rather embarrassing for Arsenal at the moment. They have hardly touched the ball. Messi picks the ball up while racing down the inside-right channel, drops a shoulder to drift inside, and forces Almunia into saving with his feet with a low, hard shot.

6 min: This is extremely embarrassing for Arsenal at the moment. Alves swans down the right in acres, zipping a low cross into the centre for Ibrahimovic, who is free, six yards out. The big galoot balloons the ball miles over the bar, then has the brass neck not to look sheepish simply because the offside flag was up and it wouldn't have counted anyway. Dear God. Is he ever going to score in a big Champions League game?

9 min: It feels like the Emirates is tipped up onto one side at the moment, so often does the ball come back at Arsenal. Ibrahimovic zips down the right, cuts inside, and wallops a low shot into the right-hand side netting. Messi was clear in the middle; an early low cross would have caused Arsenal some severe discomfort there.

12 min: Just nothing whatsover from Arsenal at the moment. "Is it just me who expects Little Cesc to swap shirts with Yaya Toure?" wonders Gary Naylor. "I don't mean at the end of the match - I mean in August." He's here all week, ladies and gentlemen. He's here all year. Hell, he'll be here all decade.

13 min: This is preposterous. Three saves from Almunia, and blocks from Song and Vermaelen have just denied Messi (twice), Xavi, Ibrahimovic and Alves - in the space of one minute. The ball's just flying at the goal from all angles.

16 min: Vermalelen upends Ibrahimovic down the right. From the free kick, Pedro takes the ball down, just to the left of goal, ten yards out. His effort is deflected high and wide by a desperate parry by Almunia. "Some people have suggested that Wenger can't really lose from this tie: if Arsenal lose then, 'well, it was against Barcelona'; if they win then, 'what justification for Arsene!'; but is that really true?" asks David Wall. "If Arsenal are really thumped over the two-legs then they'll look like the European equivalent of West Brom in the Premier League last year. Mowbray's reputation suffered pretty badly from that (even before he reinforced the impression with Celtic this year). Could Wenger's pride take the same kind of humiliation?" We could as him now. This is the most one-sided start to a game I've ever seen.

18 min: Almunia - the only Arsenal player to turn up so far, and thank God for them that he has, else it'd be 7-0 - holds onto a Pique header from a right-wing cross. There were three yellow Barca shirts queueing up to stick the nut on that.

20 min: Arshavin is booked for a studs-up challenge on Busquets. It may have been frustration at seeing Puyol clear a deep Fabregas right-wing cross with a spectacular - and totally needless - diving header.

23 min: "This has nil-nil written all over it," writes Anthony O Connell. "For the next five minutes." And so, right on cue, just to ruin the gag, Arsenal finally do something. Nasri cuts inside from the left and, on the edge of the area, unleashes a purler of a curler towards the bottom-right corner. The ball flies just wide of the post. A superb effort - and one that gets a previously stunned crowd going.

26 min: Arshavin is limping, having injured himself making that daft tackle on Busquets. After waiting for Barcelona to pass it around for what seems like three halves of football, the ball finally goes out of play so Eboue can replace him. Incidentally, the ball went out for a goal kick, Messi running it out of play on the right - but only after Clichy had clattered into him. I reckon that should have been a penalty. Arsenal got away with one there.

29 min: Ibrahimovic wins a towering header at the left-hand post from a deep Alves cross. Almunia is sharp and first to the ball, though Galoot was offside anyway. How this is still goalless I'll never know.

32 min: Barcelona are passing it around. A lot. But that's not exactly news. "It's like watching Ajax 1972 after they have bathed in amphetamine," writes Ben Dunn. Maybe they should have taken it in pill form rather than taking a dip in it, because it's more like watching Holland 1974; a lot of fancy passing and forgetting to put the ball in the net. Luckily for Barcelona, Nicklas Bendtner is no Gerd Muller.

33 min: Messi twists and twirls just to the left of goal, outside the area, laying the ball inside to Galoot, who turns and sends a low, hard shot well wide left of target.

35 min: Bendtner diddles down the right and loops the ball into the six-yard area. Diaby gets the very top of his head to the ball, but can only divert it miles wide left. That's better from Arsenal, in as much as it's something, anything. "Is it interesting to note Ibra has never scored nor beaten an 'English' club?" wonders Stephen Alexander. "Note, this fact may be only half way interesting if you actually consider Arsenal an English club."

37 min: This is one of the most ridiculous games I've ever seen. After all that Barcelona pressure, Arsenal nearly go one up. Nasri crosses deep from the left. Alves misjudges the flight, leaving Bendtner alone in the centre with the ball at his feet. His first effort is saved by Valdes, the second is Ibrahimoviched against the right-hand post from a mere six yards. The ball then pinballs around before being hacked clear by Pique. None of it matters, as Bendtner was offside. How on earth is this still goalless?

40 min: Song is booked for not retreating from a free kick. On the halfway line. There really was no need to pick up that. Adding injury to insult, Gallas is down on the floor rubbing his leg.

43 min: Gallas has departed on a stretcher. Arsenal may leave this one until half time, the option after all being Campbell v Messi. "Ibrahimovic can hardly be expected to have scored against an English club since before this season he played for perennial European losers Inter," writes Simon Frank, who presumably doesn't support Chelsea. "Plus, big game bottlers don't score the winning goal against Real Madrid in the superclásico... having said that, he's horribly out of form, eh?"

44 min: Fabregas will miss the next match, booked for a late lunge on Busquets. The former Nou Camp youth player looks utterly distraught, not least because he got a big old piece of the ball.

44 min and a bit: From distance, Ibrahimovic skies a shot which can't have stayed in the stadium. It simply can't have. Apologies to Simon Frank, but that is possibly the worst shot ever taken in the history of professional football, and we all remember Jaap Stam's penalty at Euro 2000. Denilson, and not Campbell, is on for the crocked Gallas.

45 min: For the second time in two minutes - the Fabregas booking got in the way earlier - Nasri scoots free(ish) down the left and nearly finds Bendtner in the centre, only for Puyol to slide the ball clear.

HALF TIME: There's no point me telling you the score, you simply wouldn't believe it. How on earth aren't Barcelona ahead? They could easily have been five up after a quarter of an hour. Oh for a goalscorer in the mould of, I dunno, Samuel Eto'o. For Arsenal, it's been pretty dismal viewing, although Almunia and Nasri have both been excellent. And for a team often accused of lacking bottle, you can't accuse them of not digging in and putting in a shift.

Ibrahimovic: Galoot. "I have to object to you referring to Ibrahimovic as Galoot," blasts Ted Storer. "He is Swedish and plays for Barcelona. Shouldn't there be an umlaut or other diacritic over a vowel?" Fair point, but I'm not sure I've got a fancy enough character set. Matty Nesbitt may be able to assist. "Is Ibrahimovic the new Serginho? The moustache on the Mona Lisa? The Catalan Nicklas Bendtner?" OK, Serginhovic it is. Until I forget all about this when he shins one over the bar from a yard out on 47 minutes.

And we're off again... and... ZLATAN IBRAHIMOVIC: FOOTBALL GENIUS!!! Arsenal 0-1 Barcelona. Forget anything I ever said, like you were ever going to remember it anyway. Chasing a long ball down the inside-right channel, Ibrahimovic outpaces Song and from the right-hand corner of the area, lifts the most delicious sidefooted effort over the advancing Almunia and into the empty net. That was outstanding. OK, why doesn't he do this all the time?

47 min: Ibrahimovic signally does not shin one over the bar from a yard out. He's too busy running around celebrating, accepting plaudits, etc. That really was a fantastic goal. It took a whole 23 seconds of the second half to score.

49 min: Pique and Fabregas run into each other just to the left of the Barcelona box. The stunned crowd begin to shout, shout a bit more upon the referee giving not even a foul, and then fall silent again. "I take Serginhovic back," mumbles Matty Nesbitt, who can take succour from the fact that he's not in my shoes.

51 min: Ibrahimovic, on the edge of the D, heads a long ball down for Pedro, who should get an effort on target but drags a shot wide right.

53 min: Ibrahimovic sets Barca going forward with a neat backheel in the centre circle. A couple of passes later, he's dragged down 20 yards from goal by Song. The resulting free kick is wasted, Busquets sending a soft shot straight down Almunia's throat.

54 min: Both teams nearly score with a header. First Bendtner hammers a really poorly directed close-range effort straight at Valdes, wasting Clichy's perfect cross from the left, then Xavi skims a dreadful one wide left from a right-wing Alves ball.

56 min: Bendtner chases after a Fabregas flick down the inside-right channel, but the ball skids off the turf and into the hands of Valdes. Speaking of wasted effort, Loz Kaye just spent the last few minutes typing "Gålööt, gålööt".

58 min: Maxwell tears down the right, nearly finding both Xavi and Pedro in the centre with a low cross. Song does brilliantly to clear.

59 min: GOAL!!! Arsenal 0-2 Ibrahimovic. Zlatan, the slayer of the English, zips clear of Vermaelen down the inside-right channel and into the area - and wastes no time in hammering the ball into the top-right corner. We always knew this was going to happen - but by two simple balls hoofed practically up the centre?

62 min: Eboue skates down the middle of the park. He's bundled over, winning a free kick, but instead of pumping the ball towards the area Barca-style - remember how those two goals were scored - attempt to triangle-pass it down the pitch. Soon enough the ball's lost. "Does the big man need renaming for this half GOAL-OOT?" asks Matt the Hat, salvaging a little something from the wreckage of this MBM.

65 min: Arsenal can't get the ball again. Nasri, who was their star player in the first half, is to be replaced by Walcott - but just before he runs off the field, he's told to stay on, Sagna departing instead. "Tippy tappy?" repeates Damien Neva, a callback from pre-Goaloot days. "No, just a ball to the big bloke is enough to undo Arsenal. Invariably it has worked for Chelsea."

68 min: Walcott doesn't take long to get involved, ripping down the right wing and sending in a low cross. Sadly for Arsenal, there's nobody there, allowing Valdes to dip down and collect the ball.

69 min: GOAL!!! Arsenal 1-2 Barcelona. Bendtner, in the centre of the Barca half, passes down the inside-right channel towards Walcott, who strides past Maxwell, opens his body, and sidefoots powerfully goalwards. It's a decent effort, albeit one Valdes should smother. The keeper doesn't, though, the ball going through his body and into the net. This tie felt all over - but not now.

72 min: Pique is booked for cynically dragging down Fabregas as he looks for a one-two, 25 yards out, just to the right of the D. He'll miss the second leg. Is this tie turning dramatically? It will if Fabregas can score from this free kick.

73 min: Fabregas can't keep his shot down, though. "Can we still say Ibrahimovic hasn't scored against English opposition?" wonders Etienne Michelet, reading aloud from a copy of 101 Classic Arsenal Putdowns.

75 min: Eboue is booked for an artless scythe on Puyol.

76 min: Messi skitters down the left and cuts into the box, but can't get his shot away. Goaloot - aka The John Fashanu of Barca, according to Ian Copestake - is replaced by Thierry Henry. Now then.

79 min: Diaby is booked for a hilariously blatant hack on Keita. "I was about to muse about the guaranteed ineffectuality of speed merchant Walcott," writes Francis Lee. "Luckily I was delayed by perusing Hadley Freeman's piece on Uma Thurman. I might now actually start watching the match for more than eight seconds at a time." You and me both, Francis. You and me both.

82 min: Walcott and Maxwell challenge for a ball down the right. The former bundles the latter over, for which the referee calls a foul. The Emirates explodes in fury at the decision - or is it frustration? "I think the fact that Arsenal have suffered injuries against a friendly passing team like Barca shows what a bunch of senistive flowers they really are," notes Silver Fox.m

84 min: PENALTY TO ARSENAL - AND A RED CARD FOR PUYOL! From a cleverly judged right-wing cross, Bendtner, standing on the spot, cushions a header down to Fabregas. Puyol and Fabregas come together, the latter going down fairly easily to win a penalty - though you can't blame him for that. A generous award, and adding insult to injury, the big defender is sent packing - and will miss the next leg. Fabregas will take the penalty.

85 min: WHAT A COMEBACK! Arsenal 2-2 Barcelona. Fabregas hammers it down the middle, the ball sailing slightly to the left before bulging the net. The only downside: he's kicked the ball so hard, he's injured himself and limps off. With no subs left, Arsenal will play the rest of the match with ten men.

87 min: Nope, Fabregas has limped back on. But he's not moving around much. Milito comes on for Messi; Barcelona will be more than happy with a draw now.

89 min: The Emirates, so quiet for most of the half, is bouncing now. "This is a farce," suggests Barrie Stevens, balancing out the noise. "Barca should be home and dry by at least four goals by now."

90 min: There will be three more minutes of this.

90 min +1: Xavi is this close to setting Henry free, alone in the Arsenal half. Song gets something in the way; that was such a crucial interception.

FULL TIME: There's no point me telling you the score, you simply wouldn't believe it. Well, how on earth have Arsenal got away with a draw there? They were thoroughly outplayed for approximately 88 of those minutes - and allowed Zlatigol to break his duck against English clubs - but showed immense grit to fight back for a draw. Chances are that Arsenal will need to win in the Nou Camp - but Barcelona will have something to worry about now, especially as Carles Puyol and Gerard Pique will both miss the second leg. The final word goes to Alex Richman: "Well, all Wolves have to do is follow Barcelona's long-ball blueprint at the weekend, eh?"

Thierry Henry

So Thierry Henry is back at Arsenal for the first time since leaving for Barcelona. It's not the first time he's popped back to Blighty, though, is it. Some positive omens for the Gunners, then...

1. He missed a penalty on his Barcelona debut at Dundee United. In the last minute.

2. He was the creative hub of a France team beaten in the Euro 2008 qualifiers at Hampden by a Scottish side featuring Garry O'Connor, Gary Teale and Christian Dailly, 83. "Wait until we get them back to Paris," he threatened after the match. Oh!

3. He couldn't score against Rangers at Ibrox in Europe. You don't need anyone to explain the inherent problem with this.

4. He missed a glorious chance to put Barcelona into the 2008 Champions League final at Old Trafford. A missed header, from six yards with 13 minutes to go, described as "feeble" by our very own Barry Glendenning.

It doesn't look too clever, does it? Hooray for Arsenal! Hooray for Britain, what a glorious nation! Though on the other hand... (1) He put away the rebound at Tannadice, (2) took France to Euro 2008, (3) reached the semi-finals of the Champions League, and (4) won it the year after. So he'll be unlikely to be worrying too much.

Also: (5) Arsenal have been thrashed in their two other big matches at the Emirates this season, a 3-0 pasting by Chelsea and a 3-1 walloping by Manchester United, (6) Barcelona are better than Chelsea, (7) Barcelona are better than Manchester United, and (8) Henry might not get a sniff of action this evening anyway, rendering those four spurious omens totally worthless. Oh!

Golfer's wife is furious he has decided to play in US Masters next month

Tiger Woods’ wife is to press ahead with divorcing him... ­infuriated by her cheating husband’s return to golf.

Elin, 30 – left devastated by Tiger’s string of affairs – went to see her divorce lawyers the day after he announced he would play in next month’s US Masters.PHOTOS:Happy Times no more

She is said to be “furious” at his comeback, which has led to him spending 16 hours a day ­practising.

She told pals that Tiger, 34, had humiliated her by breaking a public pledge, made during his grovelling TV apology in February, to put his family first.

Friends revealed Tiger’s decision to return play in the Masters on April 8 came after his advisers looked at polling data on his TV confession and saw a positive response.

But Elin was livid when he then cancelled a family dinner at her home – and instead invited golf journalists there so his team could “spin” his return to the game.

She has now taken the couple’s two young children to live with friends an hour from the family mansion in Isleworth, Florida.

A friend said: “She went to her ­lawyers and told them, ‘I’m going through with it’. After Tiger announced he was going to compete again it was like a switch flicked – he was back to his workaholic ways. He really was focused on his family for a while there, sinking his teeth into his therapy.

“But now he’s spending 16 hours a day on the practice ground, putting his game first, like the selfish, narcissistic husband he is. It’s made Elin realise there won’t be any real end to this and she needs to get out.”

Tiger had seemed to be ­winning his battle for Elin’s ­forgiveness. Earlier this month they were ­pictured ­together for the first time since the scandal broke last month.

The family spent one night under the same roof after Tiger returned from a sex addiction treatment centre in Hattiesburg, Mississippi, but Swede Elin is said to have found the experience strained and “odd”.

The Sunday Mirror understands the couple did not share a bed.Photo:cost of cheating may include loss of family dog

Friends say Elin has now vowed to ­boycott the Masters and future tournaments until he changes his ­priorities.

One explained: “She thought very strongly that he needed to take care of the home front first and make sure that was in good working order before he started making big announcements. She’s angry the public seem to be buying his ­apology when she doesn’t even know if she buys it ­herself.

“It’s not about ­Tiger being happy or stopping him ­playing golf – it’s about his not ­following through with all those teary promises he made.

“She went away on the boat with the kids for a few days and when she came back her mind was made up. She will file for divorce, but there is a lot of legal ­wrangling going on behind the scenes so that when she does, it will be like surgery – quick, pristine and seamless.”