He may never admit he worries about anything, but trust us, he does.
Weakness and men don’t mix. With protector/provider ingrained in their DNA, men believe it’s their primal job to be strong. If outside influences upset a man’s strength or ability to provide and protect, the man may experience angst, stress and a desperate desire to regain control. However, since men are unlikely to share their feelings, the silent anxiety affects their relationships in untold ways.
The man wants to solve, push through or dispel his fears, but he doesn’t want to admit them to others. Meanwhile, his significant other can sense his worry, but may not be able to put her proverbial finger on the issue, which results in a disconnection and lack of understanding. She might think he is being distant, cheating, uninterested or worse.
As problem-solvers, men look for the fastest, most effective ways to work through issues, and many think the best way is to do that alone. But therein lies the main challenge for relationship dynamics: He wants to work through it alone and thus fails to communicate it, and his significant other knows something’s wrong, but doesn’t know what it is, and may assume it has something to do with her, even if it doesn’t.
So, what’s your guy scared of? Here are the top seven things men worry about:
1. Do I make enough money? Money is a huge issue, but it isn’t only about cash, it what the cash represents: Self-value (what he believes he’s worth), perceived value (by the world, by a superior, by his family, by his family of origin), security (for himself, for his family), flexibility (lifestyle, providing for his family), achievement (self and in the eyes of others) and future considerations (college for kids, retirement, weddings, vacations). Yes, women also work and contribute to these items … but most men will see this as their job.
How you can help: Stay active in the finances. Pay the bills — all the bills — together, regardless of who makes what paycheck. A joint effort means that success/challenges are addressed by both of you, and the stress is then shared. And let him know you’re proud of him. It sounds like such a small thing, but your pride in him will mean a lot.
2. Have I accomplished/done enough in life? Men look back often and wonder: What have I accomplished in my life? What is my legacy? Will I be remembered in some way? Is this what I want? Am I happy? Is the grass greener somewhere else? This self-evaluation leads to wondering if they are living life to their fullest.
How you can help: Talk to him about it … without judgement. What are his short- and long-term aspirations? What does he want for himself, and what does he need from you to make it happen?
3. Am I going to lose my job? His job is a very big deal to him, especially in these tough economic times. This fear causes men to (re)focus on their career/job. As they put their attention to it, other things suffer from a lack of attention — family, relationship, etc. He’s probably not doing it on purpose, but it leads to women asking why he doesn’t care or put effort in any more.
The rub: She doesn’t want to tell him that she feels he’s dropping back, because then his renewed effort isn’t “genuine” (read: he didn’t think of it himself, so it isn’t him wanting to).
How you can help: Acknowledge the issue and the stress that accompanies it. Remind him that you are in this together. If life throws you a curveball, you’ll be there — with him and for him. At the same time, gently remind him that he needs balance. Jobs and money might come-and-go … but you are there and that is where his effort needs to be also.
4. Am I getting old? Men do worry about their age and attractiveness. Finding gray hairs, losing eyesight, getting tired constantly … these insecurities are a combination of societal pressure, self-evaluation and a sense of nagging mortality.
How you can help: Just like you, he wants to know you still find him attractive. Let him know … and show him.
5. Am I losing my health/do I have cancer?Whether it’s a result of pure procrastination or the invasive tests/probes, many men hate the doctor — until it’s something that cannot be avoided. At the same time, he is worried … he just doesn’t want to know.
How you can help: Remind him that if he wants to see his grandkids’ grandkids graduate, he needs to stay fit and get yearly checks. Then … make it something you do together (OBGYN/pap smear, anyone?)
6. Is my significant other sexually satisfied? This issue is tricky. He wants to know that he’s “doing his job” in bed, but he doesn’t want to know if he’s not. Male ego hinged on sexual prowess, virility and skills are surely part of the reason we have Viagra for sale via mail order but male birth control is (mostly) in the testing phase.
How you can help: Talk to him … sensitively. If he’s not doing it for you, don’t tell him what he’s doing wrong, talk to him about what you like (bonus points if you say it in a breathy voice, horizontally sans clothing). The more fun/no biggie you make things, the less likely he will be to get a bruised ego. And the payoff with what you do like will increase, because he will know and he will want to.
7. Am I a good dad/will I be a good dad? If he’s considering taking the plunge into fatherhood (or is already a father), most men worry about their ability to: 1) Pass on what they know; 2) Not pass on the bad parts of their parents/fathers/childhood experiences; and 3) Be a balanced/fun/strict/good dad.
How you can help: There’s no rulebook for parenting; it’s a tough gig. Talk to him about your fears about you (because women worry about motherhood, even if nurturing comes naturally for most) and ask him about his fears. By sharing your similar issues, you can make it safe for him to be vulnerable.
Above all, women need to know that a man’s fears are his, and nothing she can do will make him face/get through/get over them. He has to firstly acknowledge the fear and then start down the path of dealing with them. While she can create an environment that makes it safe for him to discuss things, it is still his choice to do so. It’s not her job to make him do it, nor is it her failure if he chooses not to. All she can do is be there … but she can’t force.
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The glamorous lovers’ day celebration on Monday turned bloody at the University of Lagos (UNILAG) when gunmen killed two students. Daily Sun gathered that the clash was between two rival cult groups, namely, Black Axe and the Buccaneers,’ over a female student allegedly snatched by the Capone of the Black Axe for Valentine celebration.
The action of the Capone , the source said did not go down well with the other group leading to the clash.
A student who witnessed the shooting said besides the two cult members who were shot dead, about four others sustained injuries and were ferried out of the campus by their leaders to shield their identity.
The sources said the cult members who carried out the attack were not UNILAG students but members from another campus, adding that the attack was carried out in a commando style with sporadic shooting.
An undergraduate student of English Department told Daily Sun that the Buccaneers’ group attacked the Black Axe members while another student returning from the Mosque said those who carried out the killing were not from UNILAG because they did not cover their faces.
It was learnt that as soon the shooting started, students scampered for safety while others took cover behind the wall and under cars packed around, while others ran into the halls to avoid being hit by stray bullets.
A senior lecturer who confirmed the killings said the university management had met to curtail any reprisal attack while security personnel had taken over the investigation of the deadly cult clash.
When Daily Sun visited the troubled institution yesterday, there was uneasy calm, as most staff and students rebuffed efforts made by the reporters to get their comments.
However, one of the students who resides at Sodeinde Hall, said there was sporadic gunshots outside the premises which caused panic everywhere.
It was gathered that the crisis, which erupted when the students were at the peak of lovers’ day celebration, created stampede on the campus as people ran for safety.
One of the victims of the attack reportedly ran into Sodeinde Hall for help, from where he was taken to the hospital.
Although the Hall Master of Sodeinde Hall declined comments on the issue, one of the officials, who wouldn’t want his name published, said the attack could not be linked to any cult group. He said there was increasing speculation that the perpetrators of the attack could be fighting for love. Efforts made by Daily Sun our reporter to ascertain the identities of the victims were unsuccessful.
The news bulletin of the university, Information Flash (ISSN 08195540) also captured the incident, while assuring the staff and students of the university of adequate security.
“The attention of the universities authorities has been drawn to the incident which occurred in one of the Halls of Residence in the late hours of Monday, February 14, 2011 where two persons were reportedly injured in fracas. The university management has commenced investigation into the unusual incident, in particular at a time when preparation for the first semester examinations due to commence on February 21, 2011 are in top gear. Security has been intensified to ensure safety of life and property on campus. Law enforcement agents have been involved to assist the university in this respect,” it said.
Daily Sun learnt that students are leaving the campus because of the fear of reprisal attack while some parents called their wards on phone to return home until the situation is brought under control.
The Deputy Registrar Information of UNILAG, Mr. Dare Adebisi refused to pick his calls or replied to text message sent to his phone.
When the Lagos Police Public Relations Officer (PPRO), Mr. Samuel Jinadu (DSP) was called thrice, he promised to contact the Divisional Police Officer (DPO) in the area and did not call back as at the press time....
Daramola Facebook Photo
PALOS VERDES, Calif (Reuters) – Film director and deep-sea explorer James Cameron said on Wednesday that BP Plc turned down his offer to help combat the massive oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.
"Over the last few weeks I've watched, as we all have, with growing horror and heartache, watching what's happening in the Gulf and thinking those morons don't know what they're doing," Cameron said at the All Things Digital technology conference.
Cameron, the director of "Avatar" and "Titanic," has worked extensively with robot submarines and is considered an expert in undersea filming. He did not say explicitly who he meant when he referred to "those morons."
His comments came a day after he participated in a meeting at the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency headquarters in Washington to "brainstorm" solutions to the oil spill.
Cameron said he has offered to help the government and BP in dealing with the spill. He said he was "graciously" turned away by the British energy giant..
He said he has not spoken with the White House about his offer, and said that the outside experts who took part in the EPA meeting were now "writing it all up and putting in reports to the various agencies."
The film director has helped develop deep-sea submersible equipment and other underwater ocean technology for the making of documentaries exploring the wrecks of the ocean liner Titanic and the German battleship Bismarck some two miles below the surface.
'REALLY SMART PEOPLE'
Cameron suggested the U.S. government needed to take a more active role in monitoring the undersea gusher, which has become the worst oil spill in U.S. history.
"I know really, really, really smart people that work typically at depths much greater than what that well is at," Cameron said.
The BP oil spill off the U.S. Gulf Coast is located a mile below the surface.
While acknowledging that his contacts in the deep-sea industry do not drill for oil, Cameron said that they are accustomed to operating various underwater vehicles and electronic optical fiber systems.
"Most importantly," he added, "they know the engineering that it requires to get something done at that depth."
Among the key issues that Cameron said he is interested in helping the government with are methods of monitoring the oil leak and investigating it.
"The government really needs to have its own independent ability to go down there and image the site, survey the site and do its own investigation," he said.
"Because if you're not monitoring it independently, you're asking the perpetrator to give you the video of the crime scene," Cameron added.
Cameron made two documentaries about the wreck of the Titanic as well as the blockbuster 1997 movie "Titanic" using a small fleet of specially designed remotely operated underwater vehicles. He said his qualifications are not based on his background as a movie director but on his years of involvement in the deep-sea industry.
• Charges Nigerian youths
President Goodluck Jonathan, yesterday, tacitly revealed his intention to contest the 2011 presidential election, saying he would set up a Facebook account for the poll.
The proposed account, he said, is “part of my contribution to the (election) debate” and that it would focus primarily on the exchange of ideas..
Facebook is a popular social network interactive site with millions of subscribers globally.
Jonathan, who spoke at the 26th Convocation of the University of Port Harcourt, on the second day of his visit to Rivers State, also harped on the urgent need for national transformation and harnessing of the unchallengeable power and good in the Nigerian youth. He urged Nigerians to register as soon as the voter registration exercise commences and be ready vote.
“Once we can successfully prevent a few people from determining the outcome of elections, all elected leaders immediately come into the service of the general good. There will neither be accountability nor development when political leaders owe their privilege of power to the narrow interests of the few. I believe every major challenge that we face as a country can be confronted by the power of the vote,” he said..
Stressing that “our political process is a work in progress,” Jonathan appealed to Nigerians, particularly the youths, to come back into the process, adding that the stakes were too high “for us to abandon our right to re-order the present and determine the future.”
The President, whose address dwelt mainly on the nation’s youths, paid glowing tribute to the undying spirit of the Nigerian as represented in the youths.
“There is an unchallengeable power of good in the Nigerian youth and we must recognize and harness it with a view to deploying its potential. With 70 per cent of our population below the age of 35, we are a strong and sturdy community, determined to defend our collective interest. Challenging times need to be challenged by the overwhelming strength of vision.
“It is in this regard that as I settle down to the duties of office, I will be depending on the ideas, energy and co-operation of all Nigerians to bring our dream to reality. There can never be a better time for national transformation than now,” Jonathan said. He commended the Vice Chancellor, Prof Don Baridam, whose tenure expires in July, for his uncommon achievements.
Earlier, the Vice Chancellor said the Federal Government has approved the establishment of the Centre for Energy Studies in the university, adding that when functional, the centre would facilitate studies in nuclear energy and related disciplines..
Baridam, who recalled the assassination of two staff of the institution, including its Chief Security Officer, Mr Amadi Wali, observed that such violent killings and threats have become commonplace in the nation’s university system and urged the government to tackle insecurity in universities and the larger society.
Highpoint of the convocation was the award of certificates, first degrees and post-graduate degrees to 5,922 graduates and the award of honorary doctorate degrees to some eminent Nigerians, which included a former Chief Justice of the Federation, Justice Mohammed Uwais; Managing Director of the World Bank, Dr. Ngozi
Okonjo-Iweala, who was represented by her father; a former Vice Chancellor of the University, Prof Sylvanus Cookey, Prof Aniezionwu Okoro, and Mr Donald Duke, former Cross River State Governor.
Also honoured was the Oba Akran of Badagry, Dr De Wheno Aholu Menu-Toyi I, who is the new Chancellor of the univeristy.
I often use a search engine to explore and review my clients' websites and check if anything is untoward. The other weekI came across a report on one client's site that was obviously intendedfor internal consumption only. I immediately rang my client to warnthem. They explained that the report had been posted to the publicwebsite instead of the internal intranet by mistake and they'd removedit as soon as the error was discovered. Obviously they were quitealarmed that I could still access it more than a week later.
This is a great example of the all-consuming nature of Web searches, Google searches in particular. Google takes a snapshot of each page itssearch crawlers examine and caches it as a backup. It's also theversion used to judge if a page is a good match for a query. Myclient's report was only on the Web for about three hours and yet acopy of it ended up stored in Google's cache and was still availablefor anyone to read. The fact that sensitive information that getscrawled can remain in the public domain means data classification andcontent change processes are vital to prevent this type of data leakagefrom occurring.
Unfortunately, private or sensitive business information makes its way onto the public Internet all too often. In this tip, we'll discussreasons why this happens, and some strategies to help enterprises keepprivate or sensitive data off the Web.
Problems that can cause website information leaksThe incident noted above gave me the opportunity to address with my client some specific information security problems that led to thereport being posted on its website. The first problem was that theorganization didn't properly classify its data and documents.Implementing a system of data classification and clearly labellingdocuments with that classification would make such an incident far lesslikely.